Obama to repeat anti-women’s oppression speech to GC upon return to America

NAIROBI, Kenya — Thousands of Kenyans gathered in a Nairobi sports center roared their approval yesterday as US President Barack Obama categorically condemned the justification of the oppression Read more […]

GC introduces term limits for pro-women’s ordination church leaders

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first time in the history of the Adventist church, term limits for General Conference and division-level officers will be introduced. There’s Read more […]

North American Division cancels Trump construction contract for new headquarters

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The North American Division of Seventh-day Adventists may be stuck in the General Conference building for longer than anticipated due to the cancellation of a construction Read more […]

Union College to build student center from Legos

LINCOLN, Neb. — In a crowded field of Adventist colleges competing for attention, Union College may just have the summer’s trump card: the school is breaking ground on a stand-alone student Read more […]

GC bans Adventists from marrying unless they’ve been on a vespers date

SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has established a bare minimum of one pre-wedding vespers date as a prerequisite for Adventist couples wishing to be married by an Adventist minister. Read more […]

VIDEO: Southern student’s Little Debbie-inspired short film

The workweek approacheth and we thought it was time for a Little Debbie – inspired short film to shake things up. So here for your viewing pleasure is “Goodbye Honey Bun”, a short produced and directed Read more […]

GC: Women can be ordained as housewives

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials have been working hard to offer some form of concession to placate advocates of women’s ordination who were bitterly disappointed by the GC Read more […]

Maranatha teams deploy to rebuild churches devastated by last year’s shoddy workmanship

Hundreds of Maranatha volunteers are deplaning in exotic countries the world over, bound for crumbling church buildings that they just built last summer. The teams have been summoned by dozens Read more […]

Slacker GC San Antonio delegates face pay cuts over skipped meetings

SILVER SPRING, Md. — “Delegates who played hooky during the San Antonio GC business meetings are about to get their comeuppance,” warned General Conference Treasury spokesperson Will Butcher. Read more […]

Adventists flee to wilderness with trailer of FriChik, forget can opener

BITTERROOT MOUNTAINS, Mont. — A band of Adventists that fled to the Bitterroots range of the Rockies with a giant haul of FriChik has, upon arrival, learned that they forgot to bring a can opener. Read more […]