Clapping sound heard from rocks as Adventist leaders ban church applause

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials were both alarmed and genuinely annoyed this morning to hear a loud clapping sound coming from rocks around the huge building housing the Seventh-day Read more […]

Chris Brown to perform at Adventist University of the Philippines on fraud forgiveness tour

MANILA, Philippines — Recording artist Chris Brown has agreed to settle with Philippine concert producers Maligaya Development Corp after being accused of defrauding them by neglecting to show Read more […]

Sabbath School editor Clifford Goldstein recruits Jon Stewart to spice up quarterly

NEW YORK, N.Y. — Closet Adventist fans of Comedy Central’s recently-exited Daily Show satirist Jon Stewart, were delighted to hear than the funnyman has been recruited to give the Seventh-day Read more […]

Following Megyn Kelly diss, General Conference names Trump Women’s Ministries Advisor

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Citing the need for strong male leadership in women’s ministries, General Conference leadership has looked to bring in some outside expertise in the form of outspoken real Read more […]

La Sierra declares war on Southern, adds marriage to graduation requirements

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — “Oh no they didn’t!” were the first words out of Adventist marketing analyst, Val U. Genysis after hearing the news that La Sierra University’s administration has decided Read more […]

Andrews Seminary Greek center flat broke, seeks emergency bailout

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Despite years of devastating austerity measures and spartan living, leaders at the Greek Manuscript Research Center of Andrews University’s Seventh-day Adventist Theological Read more […]

Loma Linda OK with taking arm and leg as tuition

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Ever the innovators, financial administrators of Loma Linda University School of Medicine have decided to help students struggling to pay their tuition in exchange for the Read more […]

Southwestern Adventist University cashes in on Tex-Mex heritage, offers haystacks degree

KEENE, Texas — “We trust that this will settle the question of which is the ‘most Adventist’ of Adventist universities,” said Bubba Bigger, a Southwestern Adventist University spokesperson, Read more […]

Army of Adventist young people change Facebook status to “single” as wedding season explodes

With summer wedding madness in full swing, Adventist singles are making every possible preparation to fully take advantage of the romantic potential of the season. Thousands of Adventist college Read more […]