La Sierra Announces Exclusively Online Dating For Fall

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — La Sierra University students hoping for romance this fall may have to settle for virtual flirting. As part of its announcement that classes would all be online for Read more […]

Fundamental Beliefs Back Down To 27 Due To Budget Cuts

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders have decided to condense the steadily-growing number of denominational fundamental beliefs to 27 in response to a push to slash budgets. “We realize Read more […]

No News Is Good News: It’s Been A While Since Women’s Ordination Has Been In Adventist News So It’s Safe To Assume It’s All Been Solved By Now

Over the last few months, nobody’s been saying much about women’s ordination. We’re guessing that’s because we Adventists have officially worked the whole thing out. Who knew we had it in us Read more […]

Andrews Prophecy Experts Warn Against Predicting Day Or Hour Coronavirus Lockdown Will End

BERRIENS SPRINGS, Mich. — As everyone from President Trump to your Aunt Mildred chimes in with predictions of when coronavirus lockdowns will be lifted, Andrews University prophecy experts are Read more […]