WASHINGTON DC — In an historic Supreme Court ruling announced today, the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists has been awarded exclusive copyright of the term “haystacks.” The decision marks the culmination of two decades of legal battles between the Adventist church and various farming associations who have attempted to block the denomination’s copyright efforts.
“Today we celebrate the end of a very long journey undertaken a generation ago to safeguard the good name of an Adventist staple food,” said General Conference Health and Temperance Director Max Molehill. “There are a few things that Adventists will do anything to protect. Haystacks rank high on the list.”
The Supreme Court ruling makes clear that while the farming industry may refer to a “singular, large stack of hay as a ‘haystack,’ any use of the plural ‘haystacks’ is now the exclusive domain of the Seventh-day Adventist Church.”
Despite awarding the copyright to the Adventist Church, the Supreme Court justices released a unanimous statement clarifying that the ruling should in no way be seen as an endorsement of “the appropriateness of the term ‘haystacks’ for the dish known as ‘taco salad’ to the rest of America.”
The justices added in the statement that they would refuse to entertain any other attempts by the church to copyright other Adventist jargon, “So don’t take on Napa Valley next by trying to define wine as non-fermented grape juice.”
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Certainly they should try to copyright the oxymoron, veggiemeat.
Richard Sherwin, is “veggiemeat” really such an oxymoron? Historically, “meat” or “meats” has been used in the English language as a term for non-flesh food; one example that still survives, though I don’t buy it, is “mincemeat”. Its progressive elimination from the British dialect has largely been due to a combination of changes in English usage and heavy-handed trading standards officers who just won’t take “no” for an answer.
This ruling came just in time, since your previous report said the (all-men’s) General Conference Session is ordering a massive amount of haystacks ingredients. Isn’t it wonderful to know that they can chow down on them in full assurance of ingesting an exclusive SDA food? (By the way, the vegan soy cheese and vegeburger is what makes them “haystacks” instead of “taco salad.”)
Now, about the wine vs. grape juice issue mentioned by the court justices: the issue may be moot, because I’ve heard that the Pacific Press may be putting out a new line of wine (not grape juice and not sparkling cider) that will make a big hit on the shelves of the Adventist Book Centers in Southern California. The label name will be “Noah’s Finest” (probably a token to Genesis 9:21). The label will say “100% Vegetarian,” so it will be OK. And, for the ultra-conservative bunch, there will be labels marked “Pure Vegan.” The bottles will be stocked near the sugar-laden, fat-filled, calorie-packed Little Debbie’s snack cakes–which are also proudly vegetarian and must be incredibly healthful.
Noah lived 950 years! great marketing
My grandfather (not SDA) lived to be 105 and claimed that it was his two 6 oz. glasses of Merlot per day. He lived out his last days in a nursing home (actually 2 years) because he had to be in a wheelchair that was too big for my aunt’s doorways and was “permitted” the same amount — he just had to roll up to the nurses’ station and they had it ready. The doctor said it hadn’t hurt him in 103 years, so why stop now?
Of course, in his days before the wheelchair, he was an outdoor worker all his life — no time for tv or sitting around, etc. so he burned off whatever meals he consumed — never really too much — and ate SLOWLY.
When he was 100, he designed and BUILT a “breezeway” for my aunt’s house. The reason for the wheelchair was a result of a “trip” over a piece of firewood that he was chopping for the fireplace — and he broke his thigh bone.
Unfortunately, his daughter, my mom, was not in that great health when she passed at 99 1/2 as she ate too much of the wrong stuff and didn’t do a lot of outdoor stuff. She LOVED TV, however.
At this point, I can’t say I want to live to 100 (I’m 63) because of the world’s condition, but I do want to stay as healthy as I can!!!
NOW, as far as the haystacks — since it’s vegan and the original taco salad has been around a lot longer (I guess), like all the other SDA food products, it should have been spelled differently and I offer up HAYSTAX. Would farmers have objected to that? (I can’t believe they did anyway!!!) End of discussion.
“Noah began farming and planted a vineyard. He drank of the wine and became drunk, and uncovered himself inside his tent.” Gen. 9:20-21
“By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.” Heb. 11:7
I’ve drunk lots of righteous wine.
If it’s good enough for Noah, it’s good enough for me!
Elizabeth: The current thinking is that denomination will market a brand of non-alcoholic grape drink that will be given the name of “Whine.”
NOTE: For those who do not remember, our fake ham was names “Wham.”
Would Noah drink “Whine”?
It appears that the Hotventists know about as much about Holy Scripture as the Catlicks do. Example:
Gen. 9:20 Noah began to be a man of the soil, and he planted a vineyard. 21 He drank of the wine and became drunk and lay uncovered in his tent.
No WONDER La Seirra U. was voted #1 Party School by Rolling Stone. They like to partake of “NOAH’S BEST!”
If Max Molehill in the article is planning to live up to his name, he should at least keep up with the times. Napa Valley has been very firmly instructed by the French mafia that French alcoholic names are strictly copyrighted, so the wine region has to use new names for booze. Think of it. All the new names for vice. The possibilities. Instead of “champagne,” we now get to drink “sparkling wine.” So SDAs are not the only copyright nitpickers.
Make sure the chips are Fritos!!!!
You took the words out of my mouth Donna!!!
And PLEASE don’t eat the phony meat until you have searched “The Dangers of Soy”. No wonder the Adventists, after eating all the soy, refined carbs, partially-hydrogenated oils and Little Flabbies–I mean Little Debbies, are now the FATTEST denomination group in the US, just behind Charismatics, according to https.CDC.Gov/obesity_in_US/religious_affiliation.
really….we see the end of the world coming and the soon return of Jesus and we’re concerned about “haystacks”? Let’s re-focus saints.
SERIOUSLY! Right?
I SOOOOO agree with you!
You know this is satire right? lol
Yea, it’s a worry!
What are we doing. Are we studying the character of God, the love of Jesus and the awesomeness of the Holy Spirit? There is so much to learn about God, can we get back to the Bible?
I agree. These truths are our sources of genuine happiness — not fictitious jests (which misrepresent us to the public).
I am ashamed to be called an Seventh Day Adventist with haystacks rating highest on the list for them to protect. What about the children????? Jesus called them, Jesus wanted them protected. What about the women of Domestic Violence and abuse. When society shunned them, Jesus spoke to them and encouraged them. We are called to help the poor, women, children, widows, orphans. Placing haystacks as a higher priority makes me sick. May those who have profited from this ridiculous fight experience many bouts of food poisoning. May someone have mercy on those who have been down trodden, hurt, abused, orphaned and widowed.
Did you read the disclaimer in the “About” page? “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”
“Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I think our leaders are one chip short of a full bag if THIS is a priority.
Viki, do you realize that this “news story” is only a joke?
LOL, yeh. It took me a few minutes . . . Never heard of Barely Adventist. Thought it was pretty crazy. I was about to terminate my membership ! ! ! Thanks.
This is a satire, so don,t get so upset. Did you really think this happened?
Some of the stuff I’ve seen in our church, one never knows . . .
Dear Readers,
This website publishes fake stories. They are not true. That means they are based on exaggeration or simply founded on imagination. That sounds evil. Yet the purpose for this type of writing is to make a point. Maybe the targeted group could refocus their behavior, perhaps. The point is, if you don’t like this type of writing, maybe you should find another website to visit. I’m sure the writer hopes you simply just didn’t get it at first, but now you do. But please don’t preach a sermon on the evils of satire. Just take a breath and giggle. Just don’t read the stories in church. You might get some irritated glances.
OK, OK . . .cool your jets. Point taken. Some Addies never heard of Barely Adventist. Sheesh. Gimme a break. Like I said, some of the things I’ve seen our churches do gave me pause.
On the other hand, I DO like satire, not evil at all . . . sooooo I may stick around. I could write some stories from my church you wouldn’t believe ! ! ! LOL.
Yea, it’s a worry! There you go; sucked me in to- mainly because of the ‘don’ts & can’ts’ advocates who let me suffer bondage for so long. (Still many wanting to keep women under bondage also it seems). OK, so I’m a slow grower- not the only one obviously. Still rate the Sabbath creation-celebration blessing a Faith winner though- “Love the Lord with all your, all your strength & all your soul, & your neighbour as yourself”.
Good to know that my tithes are going into copyrighting “haystacks” while I have to scrape every cent for the emerging pathfinder club at my church since the conference couldnt make a budget!!!! Smh
Priorities brothers and sisters thats all that it comes. I just hope that the copyright helps to evangelize (since thats what we are called to do in every aspects of our lives and what we have in our lives)
Did you read the disclaimer in the “About” page? “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”
“Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”
OMG! You ARE SO on spot. Our little church has to do the same thing just to get a few supplies for the kids’ classrooms . . . SMH, SMH, really slowly.
Leyly, just in case you didn’t know, this story is fiction. It’s just for laughs. There was no such court case. The story is just poking fun at ourselves, the way we eat lots of taco salad and insist on calling it by an different name that we gave it, as if eating this particular dish (and calling it by a name we gave it) will somehow make us more righteous.
sat·ire
ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/
noun
the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.
synonyms: mockery, ridicule, derision, scorn, caricature; More
a play, novel, film, or other work that uses satire.
plural noun: satires
“a stinging satire on American politics”
synonyms: parody, burlesque, caricature, lampoon, skit; More
a genre of literature characterized by the use of satire.
It’s an emotional release to laugh at ourselves! Ha ha!!!
WOW, the comments are so on the money . . . Did we even KNOW this was an issue and that it went to the Supreme Court??? I’m surprised the Justices even entertained it. We must be the laughing stock . . . in the last days we’ll be called the Hay Stackers . . . Sad, sad, sad . . .
Oh, wow! Just caught on. The joke’s on us for believing this was an actual issue . . . DUH. Good one, Barely Adventist ! ! ! Had me goin’ there for a minute.
Good win. It looks like a haystack mountain was made by Mr Molehill.
Clever!!!
Think I got more of a kick out of the knee jerk reaction than the story itself… Now the brethren can use their tithes and offerings on the new range of “Noahs Sparkling Fermented Grape Juice”.
Yessiree! As long as it’s “natural” and “vegan,” it must be okay. I’m gonna pre-order a whole case of that “Noah’s Finest” libation from the nearest Pacific Press outlet!
PUC has a lot of unused land out behind the college that can be planted to vineyards, build a winery, soon it can have a school of viticulture and enology to rival UC Davis!
The label of course should be “Noah’s Own.”
First, Pacific Press will be renamed to Pacific Literature & Wine Press, to more accurately reflect their expanded activities.
I believe there is another group who has long used the term ‘haystacks’ for a taco salad and that is the Amish.
Yeah, and they’re too peaceful to sue anybody over it.
Depends on the part of the county where they’re located. Maryland Amish have no clue.
Sattire, folks! Barely Adventist is a sattirical website that uses great humor in all their “releases.” I think the Supreme Court voting on haystacks might be a clue.;) It’s all in good-natured fun!
And how much time and dollars later? This is insane! The priorities here……..oh my! Only in America!!!
Are you aware of the disclaimer on this site? “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.” This “news report” is not real. It is sort of like an April Fool’s joke or The Onion.
What the Supreme Court overlooked in this case was the ingredients to make a Haystack. In my house we make them with an assorted list of stuff. Sometimes vegan, sometimes vegetarian, sometimes other proteins, sometimes a taco shell, sometimes generic chips, etc. Up in Maine, they use veggie lobstahs. Tastes GREAT!! If it is copyrighted and trademarked, there should only be one standard way to make these SDA treats. If I am going to be saved, I want to do it right!! Woe is me.
Okay, Richard, go ahead and be saved by tacos. But I will be saved by grace through faith (and maybe a few haystacks won’t hurt, for good measure).
We wasted 20 years and the Supeme Courts time to keep farmers from using the term haystacks for more than one haystack and distinguish something that varies from meal to meal every time/everywhere we eat it from taco salad???
Wonder what we would do for something really important?
LOL, Rick! This “report” is just a joke, where SDA’s poke good-natured fun at themselves. There was no court case, nor any controversy with farmers. This is a parody / satire / humor site–just for laughs.
Got you, Rick! The general public has taken this as true, and as evidence that SDA’s are NUTS! This is NOT GOOD!! Between us, who get it, I think it’s hilarious! Others do not. Makes believers look incredulous, stupid, and their opinion not to be valued. Aren’t we striving to overcome this opinion? Why would the unbelieving world listen to anything we have to say, when we have “spent millions to litigate such a stupid cause”? YES, I get it, it’s not true…Others don’t know that! They don’t even know there are those of us who have a sense of humor! This does not convince them so.
You’re right! Bible wisdom: we’re to limit jesting (look it up, folks). Most–including the public–do not get the joke!
If slander misrepresents our loved ones, we put a stop to it. Let’s represent the church truthfully.
D, I’ve tried looking for “Bible wisdom: we’re to limit jesting (look it up, folks)” with no success. Please….. the world out there actually does have a sense of humour and not as narrow minded and ignorant as “our brethren” would have us believe. Lighten up.
Don’t miss BarelyAdventist’s new story: 28 Reasons Adventists Should Ordain Women: http://test.barelyadventist.com/slideshow-28-reasons-adventists-should-ordain-women/
This is wonderful news, and full of opportunity!
Now that the Adventist church owns the word “Haystacks,” it can license the use to Little Debbie over at McKee Foods who can open a chain of fast-food restaurants all over the world called . . . what else? . . . “Haystacks!”
Serving . . . what else? . . .”Haystacks!”
It’ll quickly start stealing market share from McDonalds faster than McD’s can count its falling stock price . . . in a few years, the profits from Haystacks can support every SDA school, college, university on earth, so for SDAs tuition will always be free!
Of course, the Church will have to protect its copyright, so it’ll have to hire an army of lawyers to sue farmers everywhere to enjoin them from calling their haystacks “Haystacks.”
Do they think maybe the dish was called as such in the beginning because it resembled stacks of hay? P.S. I doubt the rest of the world cares about a ruling in a court somewhere in USA about what to call big piles of hay. P.P.S. Who would fight over it in the first place? If they did that here the farmers would say ‘good on ya.’ and continue calling hay what they want. The winners in this? Definitely not the church for looking so childish over the name of a dish. Not the Farmers association who had to pay lawyers just to be able to talk to people and be understood. In the end the lawyers win.
Do they have a dish called ‘hills’? Or ‘Mountains’? Do they have a beverage called ‘Water’? Laugh all you want but they just copyrighted piles of hay and won.
LOL, Rob! This “report” is just a joke, where SDA’s poke good-natured fun at themselves. There was no court case, nor any controversy with farmers. This is a parody / satire / humor site–just for laughs.
Piaget must be beside himself. Ages and stages of child development, curriculum practices and materials tied to what is known about learning, and saving the more abstract concepts until children have moved past certain developmental stages has all been cast aside. Now we have kindergartners sitting for minutes on end struggling through workbooks and second graders “reading” Harry Potter.
I dunno… I mean, I definitely see continuity here. The silhouettes are different, but… maybe it has something to do with your use of color (sparingly) and old-man/hipster references.
Twitter: Saya pun pakai plugin W3 Total cache dengan cloudflare tapi entah kenapa kurang berkesan pula minify guna plugin tu. Sebab tu cuba minify secara manual, tapi masih ada amaran, nasib baik jumpa cara ni, amaran minify HTML tu hilang. Naziman kongsi …
The new, yet-to-be named, non-fermented grape juice will be used to wash down Wham that never saw a Whog.
Folks, if you thought this article was cool, you owe it to yourself to read BarelyAdventist’s new story: 28 Reasons Adventists Should Ordain Women: http://BarelyAdventist.com/slideshow-28-reasons-adventists-should-ordain-women/
Satire is funny, big-time–when people GET the joke. SDA to SDA, probably funny. (Not to all!) When it goes out in the general media as “factual”…. NOT COOL, Dude! Not good for us to appear as reputable witnesses to the Gospel. I am not a conservative SDA, by any means, LOVE A GOOD JOKE…even on myself,..but I am concerned how this kind of attention affects the opinion of us to others. I get it, BUT OTHERS, who think SDA’s are kooks and weirdo’s (MANY, MANY DO!–OH, SO MANY!) take this as true, and it undermines our message. REALLY! I have had people ask me about this, and when I explain the satire..well, they leave with an even less positive impression of the Gospel message. Basically, their belief that we are weird and kooks has been confirmed in their opinion. DO WE WANT THIS? Humor among ourselves is great! Be careful…the world is reading and watching!
Heaven forbid that we let the world know we have a sense of humor…
Even outsiders could read the disclaimer in the “About” page? “BarelyAdventist is a satire and humor blog on Adventist culture and issues.”
“Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report’ are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or events, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, irony, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”
Yes, the public is watching and misunderstanding this ‘joke’ … many read superficially and as a result we’re being mis-represented.
since God created LANGUAGE and WORDS….no one except for OUR LORD has copyrights to words….
Good point, but you realize this story is only a joke, right?
I wonder how much of the church’s finances were used to defend ‘haystacks’. If any dime was used, the whole bunch at the GC should be fired!!
We actually spent twenty years litigating the copyright to haystacks? Our tithes and offerings were spent on this foolishness? I will still return a faithful tithe but to the kookie-loos who squandered it: you will have some splannin to do!
Sorry folks. Didn’t realize it was just a joke. Just read more of the comments.
I think the judiciary was stacked on this judgment. There needs to be an investigation and follow-up judgment, i.e., an investigative judgment.