BRADFORD, England — British heartthrob Zayn Malik spoke out for the first time today about his plans after quitting ultra popular boy band One Direction earlier this week. In a complete reroute of his career, the singer has chosen to join decades-old Adventist favorite, the Heritage Singers.
“You get to a point where it’s no longer about the girls, parties and fame,” said Malik. “Pop acts come and go but the Heritage Singers are crazy old and have been churning out albums longer than I’ve been alive. I want to be part of something with that kind of longevity and gravitas.”
Heritage Singers leader and co-founder Max Mace said that Malik is the perfect complement to his group and that the chemistry in early practice sessions that started up yesterday was electric. “The kid has given us just the jolt we needed!” enthused Mace. “If only he could also give us some of that hair!”
“The consensus among Adventist music critics is that Malik has exponentially increased the sex appeal of the Heritage Singers,” said Adventist Review music columnist Jay Bourget. “This is why this group has been around for so long: They know when to inject fresh talent into the mix.”
While some have objected to Malik joining the group on grounds that he is not an Adventist, Mace stressed that although the group mostly performs to Adventists, they are a welcoming, interdenominational family. “We welcome Zayn with open arms. His talent, youth and undeniable charisma cannot help but propel our ministry in One Direction: up.”
That was funny: “If only he could also give us some of that hair!” said Max Mace. I’ve always wondered if Max Mace wears a toupee. “Please note that all characters appearing in this report, including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, and/or humor.”
So the “isolationism director’s” position was cut, I see. (See previous story). Due to budget constraints? Seeing new blood in the Heritage Singers is a good idea. Maybe the Hope Channel could host an SDA version of The Voice or American Idol. They’d have to change the title from the idea of having an idol, though.
Document 4, Page 2, section 9, paragraph 6, line 15: “Idols are OK as long as they are cars, homes, the newest iPhones, stock holdings, or bank accounts. But people and graven images shall not be called ‘idols’.”
Good point Elizabeth Wilson!
I remember reading a news story in Rolling Stone in 2018 . . . about how The Christian Idol show, inspired by American Idol, was sponsored by Max Mace, founder of The Heritage Singers.
The Christian Idol show only showcases aspiring young singers who sing Christian music, Gospel, Christian Rock, Christian Romance, Christian Pop, Christian Country, Christian Blues, Christian Jazz, and other Christian genres, and it quickly became the most profitable show of its kind on earth, utterly eclipsing the combined earnings of American Idol, The Voice, Britain’s Got Talent, Starsearch, and all the rest.
There’s no business like Christian show business . . . like no business I know . . .
Ah, yes, the Mace clan and The Heritage Singers have been joyfully making gazillions of dollars for over forty years singing the Gospel, often in church and on the Sabbath, which is their job, their business, their work, from which they never rest, especially not on the Sabbath.
You all do know that Zayn is muslim right?
Where is poor Richard Mills? I hope Dorothy doesn’t still have him in the doghouse. (Dorothy, if you’re reading this, please have mercy and let poor Richard out. We need him to weigh in with his woeful words of wisdom.)
Another joke like the other one when Pope Francis when he was in the Philippines visited Manila Adventist Medical Center for an emergency medical check-up stop.
This story is fake. You’re all so gullible. Zayn Malik was actually drafted yesterday to be the public relations manager / vocal entertainer for Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign. Get your facts straight next time!
LOL we know it’s fake ROFL esp if you are an Adventist and you know why right.Look at the author ROFL this is not the first time he posted similar stuff involving the Seventh Day Adventist or Adventist haha!!!! he is just days shy of April fools day.
Correct, Erich. For example, in the previous story, the author claimed that the Pathfinders were caught talking to the Boy Scouts. Nonsense! That’s B.S. (Baloney Soup). The Pathfinder leaders were actually caught consorting with Ted Cruz’s presidential campaign, not with the Boy Scouts. Mr. Cruz was trying to hire the Pathfinders as bodyguards. (He doesn’t trust the Secret Service after the recent security breaches at the White House and the prostitution scandal in Columbia.) Just goes to show you can’t believe everything you read in the newspaper–or as Abraham Lincoln said, you can’t believe everything you read online.
fake! Who ever wrote that article, CANT YOU DO BETTER THAN THIS?
What’s next? Max Mace join ONE DIRECTION in replacement of ZANE? Lol!
Im a big fan of Heritage Singers and Faith First. (Just saying)
I believe this is bearing “false witness” in a cunning way. Many has been misled. Have mercy! Take that word “adventist” out from your website!
Jim..ihave been recovering form a total knee surgery. I advise everyone to try it at least once! Woe is me for a short period of time. Thankx
Praying for a quick recovery, Richard. God bless you.
The idea of satire is not inherently good or evil. Satire is nothing more than a literary form with specific literary devices. Jesus used biting satirical language to the Pharisees for them to rid themselves of legalistic and hypocritical behaviors. This website, though far from being divine, strives to serve the same purpose, I think. Some of the stories, however, can be fuzzy in dividing the line between real and the fictional. I do think Sevvy is well-intentioned.
This is a stupid page. Waste of your time and other people’s time. STUPID!!
I have been receiving a Heritage Singer’s blessing since my teenage years! My three kids also were raised on their music and concerts. My kids have their own families now but somehow Heritage has not been a part of their lives. One Direction has been a favorite boy group of theirs. So I Praise God for uniting my family once again with the Heritage Singers!
Sevvy used to print this disclaimer before the Comments section of every post, and he should start printing it again: “Every post on BarelyAdventist is satirical. As in, the news story you just read was not literally real. The “satrically Adventist” tag and the “About” section make that abundantly clear. This blog is written by committed Adventists that believe that humor is a great way to discuss Adventist culture and issues.”
THIS IS FAKE. DONT MISLEAD PEOPLE!
The only aspect that is true is that Zayn left One Direction. The rest is pure fiction. I heard that Zayn Malik was actually drafted last week to be the advertising jingle writer/performer for the Ted Cruz / Ben Carson presidential campaign. It was a brilliant move on the part of the Cruz/Carson campaign. Now that Dr. Carson’s supporters have to support Cruz in order to have Carson as VP, the final, savvy move was to hire Zayn to attract the female population. I guess we know who all the girls will be voting for!
Maybe just saying, you can spend the time to write a blog that can lead people to the right path or whatever rather than husr wastin time readin all but turns out hoax
The Adventist organization should sued these people for ysing the word Adventist in their name. WHAT A DISGRACE!!
You obviously get enormous pleasure in what you do to other people. Make no mistakes. Your reward awaits. Oh, and the Heritage Singers do not need Zayn Malik’s voice or hair. Tim Davies’ hair and voice is ageless.
wheather the story is true or not, it means Jesus is comin soon. so why waste our time talkin about them when we should use that time preparing for His return. something to think about friends..
This is a liar…I met max in person and I asked him about this…it is not true.
Satan is playing with your minds.don’t listen to his voice.