Andrews Seminary Greek center flat broke, seeks emergency bailout

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BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Despite years of devastating austerity measures and spartan living, leaders at the Greek Manuscript Research Center of Andrews University’s Seventh-day Adventist Theological Seminary are seeking a massive financial bailout from other seminary centers and departments gathered today at an emergency administrative session.

The stakes are extremely high and Greek Center staff have warned colleagues at the seminary that without an emergency injection of cash, the center would be forced out of operation and hungry hoards of students and other researchers will have absolutely nowhere to go to satiate their appetite for microfilm Greek manuscripts.

In an effort to stem the exhaustion of Greek Center resources, administrators have severely restricted the amount of microfilms that can be accessed, causing long lines of Greek geeks to line up in seminary hallways just to get their daily fix of microfilm.

“The demise of the Greek Manuscript Research Center is extremely worrying because, let’s face it: if the rest of us can’t nerd out over Greek microfilm there could be a horrible domino effect that could take out our Hebrew resources next and then proceed to topple everything we’ve built up over the years at Andrews,” said Lennui Complète, New Testament department spokesperson. “We have to do something substantial to prop the Greek center up or we’ll have those lightweights over at La Sierra’s HMS Richards School of Divinity dominating the evolution of Adventist theology.”

Andrews seminarians doing postgraduate work in New Testament languages are highly upset about the threatened closure of the Greek center. The students have gone so far as to take a break from their last-ditch courting pilgrimages to the Andrews nursing building in order to stage a variety of colorful protests in the Seminary commons area, all under the somewhat long-winded slogan “Imagine a world without Greek microfilms.”

A large group of undergraduate theology students have joined the protest since its launch yesterday, many misled by the slogan into thinking they were supporting an end to the study of Greek.



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  1. “The students have gone so far as to take a break from their last-ditch courting pilgrimages to the Andrews nursing building. . . .” LOL! How about the fine arts building where they could be learning to design jewelry that they could sell to support the ministry when the meager conference salary won’t stretch far enough? Or what about the music building? They used to say that every good pastor’s wife must be a pianist.

    1. Ray Kraft

      Is it a sin to sell jewelry to sinners who wear jewelry, as long as you don’t wear it yourself? Maybe Andrews should turn all its theology students loose to study this issue and come up with an advisory opinion for the GC. If it isn’t, that could be the solution to all the debt problems of all the Adventist schools. In time it might even make the SDA church richer than the Vatican!

      1. Delwin Simmons

        Maybe they should study whether it’s a sin for anyone to wear it. I clicked on the blue “jewelry” link in the comment above, and it led to a well-reasoned, informative Bible study on the subject.

        1. Susan Stormont

          Whatever happened to “The Bible, and the Bible only”? Everything I truly believe, I have found on my own within the Word of God, the Bible. I reject all the extras put upon the church that are not found in God’s Word, and there are a lot.
          Thank you for the article on jewelry. Someone recently reminded me that the $ spent on “adornment” would be “better spent on helping others.” Moot point, as so would the $ spent on their marble floors and expensive vehicles.

  2. Clyde Skantz

    This parody was almost too intellectual for me. Thanks to Oldschool’s comment above, I finally realized it is a spoof on the debt crisis in Greece. Whew! The Seminary students are safe after all.

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