Adventist Scientists Forced To Disclose Religious Affiliation Before Recommending Stripples

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — The American Dietary Association claims that Adventist scientists are allowing their religious bias to color their nutritional recommendations. The ADA is particularly Read more […]

Senate To Break For Periodic Annual Council-Style Exercise During Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON, D.C. — As the impeachment trial gets under way in the Senate, lawmakers have opted to implement a very Adventist protocol to break up longer stretches of the proceedings. Whenever Read more […]

Revealed: Daniel And Three Friends Rejected Nebuchadnezzar’s Food To Feast On Haystacks

ANCIENT BABYLON — Earlier today, the Biblical Research Institute unveiled findings regarding the special diet of Daniel and his three friends after they asked to be excused from eating Nebuchadnezzar’s Read more […]

Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]

Name Of Orienteering Pathfinder Honor Changed To “Use GPS”

SILVER SPRING, Md. —Ā The Orienteering Pathfinder honor that used to involve a bunch of complicated wilderness compass and map reading, has now been updated. The new honor is called “Use Read more […]

Weimar And La Sierra Start Student Exchange Program

CALIFORNIA — Weimar Institute and La Sierra University have started a student exchange program aimed at “introducing Adventist young people to the polar extremes of denominational education.” Exchange Read more […]

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Admits Ted Wilson Talked Him Into “Pioneer” Beard

PARLIAMENT HILL, Ottawa — The world no longer needs to wonder why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has started growing a beard. The idea for the facial hair came from General Conference Read more […]

Supreme Court To Rule On Whether Loma Linda Is “More Adventist” Than Berrien Springs

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A question that has been burning in the minds of thousands of Adventists for decades may finally be answered this year: Is Loma Linda more Adventist than Berrien Springs?” As Read more […]