Ethiopian Eunuch’s Rebaptism Required After Church Finds Out He Hadn’t Studied 28 Fundamentals

MIDDLE EAST — Fresh off a deeply meaningful baptism performed by Philip the Evangelist, the Ethiopian eunuch received news today that he would need to be rebaptized as he had not done a thorough Read more […]

Adventist evangelist resorts to drive-by baptisms

SEATTLE, Wash. — Adventist evangelist Duncan Good has reported a record number of baptisms this year. He credits uncoventional, out-of-the-box thinking and an abundance of roadside puddles Read more […]

Adventist evangelists ordered to stop using revolving doors to boost baptismal tallies

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a push to retain new members, the Adventist Church has ordered its evangelists to stop using revolving doors in campaigns held around the world. While prized the Read more […]

Visitor to Adventist Church calls 911 to report guy drowning people

HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — Police stormed a Seventh-day Adventist Church this morning after reports that a man was drowning people in a tank. The 911 call came from Primera Ves, a newcomer to Still Read more […]

Haystacks Oath of Allegiance added to Adventist baptismal vows

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventist baptismal vows have been updated to reflect what church leaders are calling “undeniable cultural realities.” In addition to the usual list of mostly Read more […]

Trump to ban Adventists from outsourcing baptisms to other countries

NEW YORK, N.Y. — In a rare policy speech this morning, presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump vowed to stop the Seventh-day Adventist Church from outsourcing its baptisms to countries outside Read more […]

Loma Linda University Church faces shutdown for not changing baptismal water

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Loma Linda city public health authorities have announced the likely shutdown of Loma Linda University Church after discovering that the baptismal tank water had not been Read more […]