Wilson Sets Up Nominating Committee Of One To Replace Jackson

BFFs SILVER SPRING, Md. — Calling North American Division president Dan Jackson, his “brother from another mother,” General Conference President Ted Wilson acted quickly as Jackson’s official Read more […]

Canadian PM Justin Trudeau Admits Ted Wilson Talked Him Into “Pioneer” Beard

PARLIAMENT HILL, Ottawa — The world no longer needs to wonder why Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has started growing a beard. The idea for the facial hair came from General Conference Read more […]

Wilson on Beards: “I don’t know how James White did it…”

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — In an exclusive Adventist News Network interview entirely dedicated to vital beard-growth prep ahead of Annual Council 2018, General Conference President Read more […]

Georgia Dome Implodes From Guilt Over Hosting Ted Wilson’s 2010 Election

ATLANTA, Ga. — Seven years after hosting the 2010 General Conference Session in which current GC President Ted Wilson was elected, the Georgia Dome has imploded with guilt over its tragic facilitation Read more […]

Ted Wilson expresses special affection for “brilliantly named” Trans-European Division (TED)

SPRING, Md. — Much to everyone’s surprise, General Conference President Ted Wilson told reporters today that his favorite world division of the Adventist Church was the Trans-European Division Read more […]

Wilson and Jackson declare ceasefire, go see Hacksaw Ridge together

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference President Ted Wilson and North American Division President Dan Jackson have taken a 24-hour break from the daily tug-of-war in their shared Silver Spring Read more […]