SILVER SPRING, Md. — Ted Wilson, the president of the Adventist Church has won the gold medal in the first-ever International Staring Contest.
Wilson went up against champion starers representing companies, political parties and kindergartens around the world and absolutely clobbered the competition.
“It wasn’t even close,” said International Staring Contest commentator Mira May breathlessly. “Wilson did not just best the competition but he did it all without even blinking.
May said that Wilson’s staring abilities had clearly been honed over decades, using somber preaching stares and intense gazes across boardroom conference tables as practice.
Due to Wilson’s almost superhuman staring abilities, other competitors have convened to find ways to eliminate him from next year’s contest.
So far the best ideas for sidelining Wilson have been to hold the contest on Saturday or schedule it during Annual Council 2018.