GC abandons nuclear option
BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference has decided to pull the plug on “the nuclear option” of taking over and disbanding unions that are in favor of women’s ordination. Read more […]
Category: Women’s ordination
Male Ordination Pathfinder honor launched
SILVER SPRING, Md. — A brand new Pathfinder honor titled Male Ordination was launched recently as part of a GC effort to “make rigged votes stick.” Pathfinders who wish to earn the new honor Read more […]
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Chuck Norris hired to enforce compliance in Adventist Church
SILVER SPRING, Md. — The General Conference headquarters of the Adventist Church has hired American martial artist and actor Chuck Norris, to enforce policy compliance within the denomination. Norris, Read more […]
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Zach Galifianakis licenses “Between Two Ferns” to Adventist Independent Ministry
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — Zach Galifianakis, the comedic actor and host of Comedy Central’s Between Two Ferns has licensed the concept of his brilliantly successful talk show to an Adventist Independent Read more […]
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John Oliver tackles women’s ordination in Adventism
NEW YORK, N.Y. — HBO’s John Oliver talked about women’s ordination within Adventism in the most recent airing of his extremely popular topical comedy show, Last Week Tonight. The British Read more […]
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GC organizes mandatory Unity Lock-in for rebel union leaders
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Adventist leaders that attended a General Conference-organized invite-only event have been out of contact with the outside world for days. Leaders of Adventist unions Read more […]
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GC ordination experts lavish praise on gender of Trump’s senior team
SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference ordination experts wiped away tears of joy and relief at the “sensible, male direction” that the United States is now heading after examining a recent Read more […]
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Tyler Perry’s Madea to speak at Oakwood Women’s Ordination rally
HUNTSVILLE, Ala. — As the hot potato of women’s ordination continues to dominate conversation at Adventist colleges, Oakwood University has announced that actor and producer Tyler Perry’s character Read more […]
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“United in Sexism” slogan approved by massive majority at Annual Council
SILVER SPRING, Md. — “United in Sexism,” the new slogan for the Seventh-day Adventist Church, was voted in by a massive majority at the denomination’s Annual Council Tuesday. Due for rollout Read more […]
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GC’s Annual Council sets Guiness World Record for Biggest Vegetarian Sausage Fest
SILVER SPRING, Md. — Annual Council started with a bang as the yearly church business meeting set a Guiness World Record on the first day. Months of painstaking planning with CHIP-approved Read more […]
