Pope visits General Conference to congratulate leaders on keeping ordination male-only

SILVER SPRING, Md. — On the morning of the first full day of his visit to the United States, Pope Francis paid a surprising visit to the General Conference headquarters of the Seventh-day Adventist Read more […]

New General Conference slogan: “Unity Over Conscience”

Silver Spring, MD — General Conference leaders seeking a catchy slogan to power their efforts until the next GC elections have found one they are convinced has a fun ring to it: Unity Over Conscience. “What Read more […]

Following Megyn Kelly diss, General Conference names Trump Women’s Ministries Advisor

SILVER SPRING, Md. — Citing the need for strong male leadership in women’s ministries, General Conference leadership has looked to bring in some outside expertise in the form of outspoken real Read more […]

Obama to repeat anti-women’s oppression speech to GC upon return to America

NAIROBI, Kenya — Thousands of Kenyans gathered in a Nairobi sports center roared their approval yesterday as US President Barack Obama categorically condemned the justification of the oppression Read more […]

GC introduces term limits for pro-women’s ordination church leaders

BREAKING NEWS SILVER SPRING, Md. — For the first time in the history of the Adventist church, term limits for General Conference and division-level officers will be introduced. There’s Read more […]

GC: Women can be ordained as housewives

SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials have been working hard to offer some form of concession to placate advocates of women’s ordination who were bitterly disappointed by the GC Read more […]

Taylor Swift commissioned to lead crusty GC crowd in “Shake it Off”

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In an effort to lift the funk that has settled over General Conference San Antonio delegates and attendees, session organizers have enlisted some star power for tonight’s Read more […]

San Antonio sells out of Kleenex overnight

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Record purchases of Kleenex products by teary-eyed Adventists last night have completely cleaned out greater San Antonio stores of their stock. Starting at about 7:00 PM Read more […]

Emotional GC vote confirms horse and buggy as only Adventist transport

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After decades of earnest study and impassioned debate on the issue, Adventists voted overwhelmingly today to uphold the church’s stance on the horse and buggy as the sole Read more […]

Alamodome on lockdown following women’s ordination vote until both sides hug it out

BREAKING NEWS SAN ANTONIO, Texas — General Conference Session parliamentarians have announced an absolute lockdown of the Alamodome at GC San Antonio until the delegates who have just voted Read more […]