Adventist Churches Not Re-Opening Until Everyone Gets Haircut

Finally. ADVENTIST WORLD — Conference and union leaders across the Adventist world have warned their churches will stay shut until their members get haircuts. “Lack of access to hair salons Read more […]

Trump Eating Nothing But Haystacks To Boost Coronavirus Resistance

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Reporters at today’s White House press briefing were notified that President Donald Trump has taken to exclusively eating haystacks to boost his resistance to COVID-19 infection. In Read more […]

Adventist Drive-In Theater Churches Feature Priority Angel Parking Credit: ErriTollsten ADVENTIST WORLD — As more and more Adventist congregations have turned to drive-in Read more […]

Shopping In Masks Leads To Increased Wine Sales in Adventist Hotspots

LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventists are reportedly thrilled at being able to buy wine locally, by taking advantage of the acceptability of surgical masks while shopping. A Loma Linda liquor Read more […]

Adventists Split On Whether You Should Dress Up For Online Church

Front row material. ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventists are finding it impossible to agree on whether or not we should all be dressing up for streaming church. According to a survey by the Center for Read more […]

Florida Hospital Building Extra Wings To Accommodate Post COVID-19 Baby Boom

ORLANDO, Fla. — Florida Hospital is aggressively building out extra maternity wings for what health professionals are predicting will be a “post-COVID-19 baby boom like no other.” The network’s Read more […]

Ben Carson Begs Adventists To Stop Panic Buying Stripples

Cool it. WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson has a special message for Adventists during the coronavirus crisis. The Adventist member of President Trump’s cabinet asked his Read more […]