Ben Carson Begs Adventists To Stop Panic Buying Stripples

Cool it.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former neurosurgeon Dr. Ben Carson has a special message for Adventists during the coronavirus crisis. The Adventist member of President Trump’s cabinet asked his fellow believers to stop clearing shelves of stripples.

“I went all over town, including my local ABC store and there wasn’t a single box of stripples in any of the stores,” said Carson who added that Adventist friends of his have admitted to packing their freezers with the fake bacon strips.

“Hoarding stripples is straight up selfish,” said Carson, unable to hide his frustration at a press briefing. “Have my fellow Adventists ever stopped to think that the rest of the world may be starving for those sodium-rich little strips of veggie goodness?”

Carson said that as much as the COVID-19 crisis has people acting irrationally, he had higher expectations of Adventists who have fully-staffed offices dedicated to temperance.

“I get that these days are feeling super End Timesy but at least focus your panic buying on something nobody else likes,” said Carson.

“I’ve noticed, for example, that not even Adventists are buying the carob chip cookies.”


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One comment

  1. Richard Mills

    You better include TUNO, WHAM, NUTEENA, KAFIX, POSTUM, SOYALAC, SOYAGEN, VEGA-LONA, VEGA BALONEY and other mundane phoney baloney, so called health meats. MAGA-Make Adventism Great Again. No need to wait for the 2121 GC session.

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