GC Session booths attacked by man wielding whip

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Pandemonium erupted among the GC San Antonio booths in the Henry B Gonzalez Convention Center this morning as an enraged man with a whip attacked a series of exhibitor stations, Read more […]

Taylor Swift commissioned to lead crusty GC crowd in “Shake it Off”

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — In an effort to lift the funk that has settled over General Conference San Antonio delegates and attendees, session organizers have enlisted some star power for tonight’s Read more […]

San Antonio sells out of Kleenex overnight

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Record purchases of Kleenex products by teary-eyed Adventists last night have completely cleaned out greater San Antonio stores of their stock. Starting at about 7:00 PM Read more […]

Emotional GC vote confirms horse and buggy as only Adventist transport

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — After decades of earnest study and impassioned debate on the issue, Adventists voted overwhelmingly today to uphold the church’s stance on the horse and buggy as the sole Read more […]

Alamodome on lockdown following women’s ordination vote until both sides hug it out

BREAKING NEWS SAN ANTONIO, Texas — General Conference Session parliamentarians have announced an absolute lockdown of the Alamodome at GC San Antonio until the delegates who have just voted Read more […]

General Conference pays for Alamodome Starbucks employees’ vacation

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Employees of the Alamodome Starbucks stores are ecstatic over an agreement made with the Seventh-day Adventist Church. During the General Conference World Session, the Alamodome Read more […]

Haystacks fans horrified as GC delegates name Special K Loaf “only Adventist staple”

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Panicked shrieks and an as-of-yet unconfirmed tally of fall injuries greeted a vote by stone-cold General Conference Session delegates to crown Special K Loaf as the “only Read more […]

666th finisher in GC fun run regrets not running faster

SAN ANTONIO, Texas — “I really should have pushed myself more,” admitted a winded Julio Lentisimo at the finishing line of Sunday’s GC San Antonio 5K fun run. ¬†Although Lentisimo had disciplined Read more […]

Mafia delegation praises elimination of secret electronic vote at GC San Antonio

UPDATE (factual and not at all satirical): About 2 hours after the satirical story below was published, the decision was made to completely scrap electronic voting at GC San Antonio. Here’s a link Read more […]

GC San Antonio 4th of July Sabbath attendance swells to 144,000

BREAKING NEWS SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Attendance on the first Sabbath of the San Antonio-based General Conference Session has surpassed even the most ambitious expectations and is now hovering Read more […]