LANSING, Mich. — Never a conference to shy away from taking a hard line on controversial issues, the Michigan Conference has officially banned sex on Sabbath among its membership. “Not only is sex clearly doing your own pleasure but, quite frankly, it can be real work,” said conference spokesperson Frank Frigid. “That’s a double whammy of inappropriate in our book.
“We have decided that it is high time someone took a position on this issue in a decisive manner,” said Frigid. “As far as the Michigan Conference is concerned, you have six days to take care of business but the Sabbath is a day for Brussels sprouts and measured conversation.”
In addition, Frigid said that he urged Adventists in Michigan to rediscover the simple pleasures of tranquil bird watching or tract distribution. “These staple Adventist pastimes aren’t going to happen if our members are consumed with lay activities in their bedrooms on Sabbath afternoon, or worse yet, during Sabbath School,” he said.
As news of the conference decision spread, untold numbers of Adventist Michiganders planned trips across state lines for the weekend.
- Where Single Adventists meet. Free 2 year membership. Divorced, widowed, and never married welcomed. We want Adventists to meet other Adventists.
Interesting. . . . I once heard that even Orthodox Jews allow sex on Sabbath.
An Adventist once said to a Jewish Rabbi: “We’re a lot alike. We both keep the Sabbath.” The Rabbi replied: “No, you keep the Sabbath. We celebrate the Sabbath.”
Yup. They do more than allow it, They actually *promote* sex on Sabbath lol
SO TRUE. SDA LOVE THE BURDEN AND GUILT OF SABBATH KEEPING. MY JEWISH FRIENDS ALSO CELEBRATE THE SABBATH
Love the story on keeping the Sabbath vs celebrating it! Perhaps more truth than humor residing in that parable!?
In the circles that I came from the ‘sex or not to sex’ never came up, but it was plain that there was to be no bathing, which I could buy into, that is, until I got married, and then there was no way I could bring myself to go to S.S. feeling like a sticky envelope and smelling like last season’s chrysanthemum. So I compromised with God and Ellen, by having a 1minute shower, which hardly qualifies as a bath…right?
Bathing is too much like work, even a Navy shower, a very bad sin.
And, here’s the clincher, a shower might even be pleasurable, so, no, no, no.
Just take a cold shower. They’re not pleasurable.
GOD I GETB BUT WHO IS ELLEN?
Adventism now has the answer to world over-population. President Ben Carson can mandate this edict to the world and reduce growth by one seventh!
Maybe President Carson can do an Executive Order banning sex on Fridays for Muslims, banning sex on Saturday for Adventists and Jews, and banning sex on Sunday for everyone else. He’d be a very popular guy.
Well, did anyone but me notice this guy’s name? Frigid? No surprise here.
If The Donald is elected, I’m sure he would favor everyone (except Mexicans) having sex every day. But he is planning to change to an independent candidacy at the last minute, and he will siphon votes away from the Republican candidate in order to get Hillary Clinton elected. That is his plan and purpose, according to a fascinating conspiracy theory.
I heard the same conspiracy theory about Donald Trump, so maybe Carson and Trump are both on the Clinton payroll . . .
Or maybe she’s promised Donald the Secretary of Commerce, and Ben the Surgeon General, or HEW, and you know if it’s a conspiracy theory it must be true.
“As news of the conference’s decision spread, untold numbers of Adventist Michiganders planned trips across state lines for the weekend.” Ha, ha! Reminds me of when my town was in a “dry county,” and the folks used to travel across county lines to enjoy themselves on the weekends.
But, when you think about it, if sex is wrong in Michigan, isn’t it wrong in Illinois, too? Or should members realize that the conference has no business dictating what they do in the comfort of their homes, especially in the privacy of their bedroom?
The Michigan Conference will appoint a Sabbath Sex “Czar” to enforce the new rule. He and his SBI (Sabbath Bedroom Investigation) Agents will be tasked with monitoring the security cameras in Michigan SdA couples’ bedrooms. Any couple “caught in the act” on Sabbath will be stoned–or at least thrown into the lion’s den. After all, what good is a rule if it is not enforced?
Poor Mr. Frigid warned that members won’t distribute enough tracts “if they are consumed with lay activities in their bedrooms on Sabbath afternoon, or worse yet, during Sabbath School.” Have Mercy! Is he suggesting some members are having sex on Sabbath morning before church? They must be the newlyweds. Just give ’em some time. They’ll come down to earth in a couple of years.
I thought he meant some members were doing it in the broom closet at church during Sabbath School, or something like that. If that’s what he meant, I agree it should be banned. Hooray for the Michigan Conference.
I’m cracking up
When God created Adam and Eve on the Preparation Day and told them to “be fruitful and multiply,” He apparently meant for them to be intimate the next day, Sabbath.
Didn’t Jesus say the Sabbath was made for mankind, not mankind for the Sabbath? Maybe He had this issue in mind. With today’s hectic pace and couples working on different shifts, the Sabbath is one of the few days they can spend quality time together.
Just curious why you’re picking on the Michigan Conference. Are you subtly implying that their leadership tends to be legalistic and hyper-literalistic in their interpretation and application of scripture? Nah, that can’t be it. . . .
If they had picked the Wisconsin Conference for this story, everyone would have believed it — they had to go with Michigan!
Sex!! What sex?? We must guard the edges of the Sabbath from sundown to sundown. Woe is me!! I want live to a ripe old age!!
My brother-in-law, who is a rabbi in Ohio, says it is a double mitzvah to enjoy sex on the Sabbath.
TWO WIVES? HMM. I WOULD BE IN HOOD COMPANY OF BIBLICAL LEADERS AND OTHERWISE GREAT MEN OF THE OLD TESTAMENT
Has the Michigan Conference become like a “Michigan Papacy”? http://TinyUrl.com/GCpapacy
IMHO, you’re right. And what a cute picture of the “SdA pope” on that web site!
You guys do know this is a satire site. They make silly stories that are untrue for Adventist to laugh at:-) The guys name is fridged for a reason:)
WALT DISNEY IS FEELING FRIGID
I am sorry but your site some of my ex SDA cousins use to justify why they aren’t in the church anymore. The comments and joke are not up lifting nor do they promote Christianity – sorry but you need to recreate this formu
The author of this article can be shot on sight and the shooter will join Enoch, Elijah and Moses in Paradise!
I have often wondered how Jewish people perceive gentiles who supposedly keep the sabbath.