Washington, D.C. — Researchers at the National Institute for Social Science have concluded a ten year study into romantic matchmaking by identifying the demographic most likely to have found young adults the perfect romantic match: Seventh-day Adventist mothers.
“We started our research not knowing much at all about the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Boy, were we in for a ride,” said lead researcher Amor Puro. “After delving into the project we found that Adventist mothers have essentially made a career of pressuring their children into marriage, especially if they have invested in sending their children to an Adventist college.”
Puro emphasized that Adventist mothers not only pepper their children with questions about their romantic lives but they “take an astoundingly aggressive matchmaking approach by perpetually trying to introduce their children to Adventists they have met at church or camp meeting or even somewhere as random as a denominational bookstore selling fake chocolate.”
“Adventist adult children find the whole thing quite stifling but Adventist mothers are relentless,” said Puro. “There simply is no stopping them.”
She added that not even old age stops Adventist mothers from their matchmaking pursuits. “Half the reason they want grandchildren is so they can start setting them up with that perfect someone as soon as they are old enough for college.”
- Where Single Adventists meet. Free 2 year membership. Divorced, widowed, and never married welcomed. We want Adventists to meet other Adventists.
Nice name for the lead researcher, “Amor Puro.” Yep, these Adventist mothers have “pure love” and want their college kids to find “true love.”
Although this is satire, there’s a grain of truth in the assertion that “Adventist mothers have essentially made a career of pressuring their children into marriage, especially if they have invested in sending their children to an Adventist college.” Maybe that is why SAU used to be affectionately known as “Southern Matrimonial College,” where the pretty coeds were allegedly more interested in getting an “Mrs. degree” than a B.A. degree.
I like the part about a potential mate being somewhere as random as the Adventist Book Center selling fake chocolate. If that means carob, I have to agree. Whoever sells carob must be cool and worthy of dating. And everyone knows the quickest way to win an Adventist girl’s heart is to give her a dainty box of carobs. Carob lovers, unite!
P.S. I was advised to use a pseudonym to protect myself from reprisals from those heathen chocolate lovers, some of whom probably even eat mustard on their veja-burgers.
President Trump should recognize the efforts of these dear saints with a proclamation of a new holiday: “SDA Matchmakers Day.” It would be a great way to put the church in the spotlight. Now, since Trump is a Presbyterian, he might balk at the idea. But Vice-President Carson could talk him into it.
I’m glad my mom was a Methodist. I didn’t need any matchmaking help. Neither did Bill.
“Neither did Bill.” Right. Just ask Monica!
BILL HAS NEVER NEEDED MATCH MAKING HELP.
Can’t say that I felt the pressure, we just knew that any Adventist boy would do. Put them in a cloistered school the inevitable will happen
You may think this story is funny, and these moms are so concerned about finding a match within the church; but all I can say is the church members are such hypocrites. I even saw my pastor inside a “gentleman’s club” on Friday night.
Sounds like you’re the hypocrite, Tim. If he is “your pastor” that means you are part of his church–and you are subject to the same rules as he is–so what were you doing in that club? Plus, you haven’t presented any evidence about exactly why your pastor was there. He could have been conducting a Bible study or witnessing to one of the dancers or managers. I highly doubt that you had any such lofty intentions. You are like the “pot calling the kettle black.” Your complaint is like an adult version of “Teacher, Johnny had his eyes open during the prayer.”