Report: Little Debbie not so little anymore

Too much of a sweet thing?

COLLEGEDALE, Tenn. — McKee Foods, the Adventist-owned parent company of the legendary Little Debbie snack cakes, is being forced to rebrand. The reason? Little Debbie can by no stretch of the imagination be considered little anymore. Recent pictures of the snack cake ambassador that have surfaced on the Internet have convinced company management to preemptively update her portrait on packaging to reflect the toll her diet has taken on her.

“Little Debbie may have helped launch this ultimate Adventist contradiction into snack cake fame years ago, but after having spent her life stuffing her face with the sugar bombs that bear her name, referring to her as ‘little’ is more than a little bit rich,” said Adventist advertising consultant, Grand Mensonge who is leading the branding overhaul.

“We decided that not updating Little Debbie’s likeness would at this point qualify our packaging as the worst false advertising in Adventism,” said Mensonge. “That is an honor that should remain the exclusive domain of your local pastor when he promises to keep this Sabbath’s message short.”



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  1. Ha, ha! I like the name of the consultant, “Grand Mensonge.” Yep, it’s a “big lie,” alright. Same thing happened to my sister when she “came into the truth” and started eating the “health message” diet of Little Debbie’s. She bought in bulk, by the case-full, believing “the more you eat, the healthier you get.” After all, it’s made by Adventists and sold in the ABC! So she went crazy with those “health cakes” that are brimming with fat, loaded with calories, and packed with sugar and sodium. We couldn’t figure out why she ballooned from 120 to 250 pounds in a few months, while eating the church’s “health message” diet. Hmm. . . . Maybe something was wrong with the water in her town.

    1. Sally May

      You’ve been reading too many Bill Knott editorials. I couldn’t decipher who he was talking about in that one. Could be anyone from the Moonies to the Jesuits. Maybe he wanted to leave everybody scratching their head. (I’ve nearly lost all my hair from doing that.) I guess his new motto is “inspiration through obscurity.” Imagine if your doctor said: “Sorry, I’ve got some bad news. But I can’t tell you what it is.” Bill, it’s time for a sabbatical.

  2. duane

    I met Little Debbie at ASI and continuing in your SATIRE GENRE. She is not overweight but a nice looking lady. To bad the satire don’t fit because in general I agree with the inappropriateness of the “health food” “assumed” erroneously label. By the way I don’t think that Label has ever been assumed by anyone but the uninformed.

    1. Don’t worry, you haven’t missed anything. They look and taste just like all the other brands of snack cakes. The only difference is they’re made by SdA’s, so they MUST be good for you! They are not just full of sugar; they’re full of vegetarian sugar! And the bakery is doing a ‘community service” by providing jobs for students at SAU, so the fat-filled, sugar-laden, calorie-packed snack cakes must convey a wonderful blessing to all who partake. Just ask my 350-pound sister!

  3. Ray Kraft

    Little Debbies. Instant diabetes.

    This is obviously a conspiracy between the Adventist Medical Association and McKee Foods to keep all the SDA doctors busy with diabetic patients.

    1. Clarence Tomnis

      I agree. I’m like the “Marlboro man” for Little Debbies. “Have insulin pump, will travel.” In view of the big settlements in the tobacco cases, I’m thinking about a class action case against Little Debbie. They should pay for my pain and suffering and early demise. It’s their fault that I got hooked on Swiss Rolls, Cocoa Cremes, and Nutty Bars. I’ve been addicted since age 14, when a high school chum passed me a pack of Oatmeal Creme Pies behind the barn. I didn’t see any Surgeon General’s Warning or anything, and he said they are made by Adventists, so I assumed they were OK. Little did I know. I wish I had “just said No” to Little Debbies.

    2. Survivor

      I’m living proof. When I got baptized, my Adventist doctor donated a car-full of Little Debbies to me, and encouraged me to really “get into the health message.” I figured the quickest way to get to heaven would be to consume as many as I could in one day. I almost did “go to heaven,” so to speak, as I ended up in the E.R. in a diabetic coma. The first face I saw when I regained consciousness was my dear doctor–the same one who donated the car-full of snack cakes. He didn’t realize that I was awake, and he was just standing there counting his money. Then I knew for a fact that I had been used. As soon as he turned his back, I signed myself out “against medical advice” and started a regimen of Barley Green and Veja-Links, with some occasional Brussels sprouts. I feel 100% better now that I’m off of that Little Debbie’s “health message diet.”

  4. Richard Mills

    Stop the insanity on Little Debbie!! I love my Little Debbie snacks. I buy ’em every day at the local convienient store along with a soda pop or slushie. I just love the taste, the texture, the aroma, the colorful wrapping, the whole brand. The whole idea of noshing down a sugar treat every day is the greatest feeling you can have. Give me a break, I mean, give Little Debbie a break! Woe is me!!

    1. Clarence Tomnis

      That’s easy for you to say, Richard. Wait till it catches up with you. Soon you might be toting an insulin pump like me. Please don’t set a bad example for innocent children. When the urge for Little Debbies hits, just take a cold shower or go jogging or something. Or just say No. Woe is thee!

    2. Marry Merry Mary

      I’m the heavy-set lady 350-pound lady mentioned above. You’ve probably seen me riding the scooter in the candy isle at Walmart, with boxes of Little Debbies in the basket and an oxygen tank by my side. Richard, I can tell you, it’s not easy. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t trade anything for all those sugar-highs, but I miss the way I was last year at 125 pounds. Believe me, if you’re not too far gone, you’d be better off munching carrots or broccoli instead of getting wasted on Fudge Rounds and Marshmallow Pies. Take it from me. I know what I’m talking about. Love, Mary

  5. Rumor Mill

    Since the bakery has been such a benefit to Southern and provides jobs to so many of the students, I heard that P.U.C. wants to follow suit with a food factory of their own. Early reports say it will specialize in making vegetarian wine since they have so many vineyards nearby. Reactions to the news have been mixed. Those wild southern California types are saying, “This is old hat.” Their conservative brethren in the north are calling for a non-GMO vegan variety. They even have an endorsement from a celebrity patriarch: none other than Noah himself. The advertising jingle says, “If it’s good enough for Noah, it’s good enough for you–just don’t drink and drive (and don’t do what Noah did after imbibing).”

  6. I know who is behind Big Deborah’s inflated adipose tissue: Donald Trump. He is planning to change to an independent candidacy at the last minute. He will siphon votes away from the Republican candidate, and he will help Little Debbie get elected. That is his plan and purpose, according to a fascinating conspiracy theory. (Well, actually the theory is about him getting Hillary elected, but it’s basically all the same thing.)

  7. Lil Zane

    Lil Zane

    I wrote a rap about Little Debbie. Hope you like it.

    Once there was a girl in Collegedale,
    And Little Debbie was her name.
    Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
    Lil Deb, Lil Deb.
    She like to sing and she like to play
    And she like to munch on d’ snacks all day.
    Boom, bap, rumba rap.
    Zhezoom, bedoong, bebop, ba-boom.
    Well, the years went by and she saw the clocks
    and she saw herself on d’ snack-cake box.
    Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
    She ate and ate,
    and she did inflate.
    ‘Cause d’ “healthy snacks”
    Was not the facts.
    Oh yeah, o yeah.
    Big Deb, Big Deb.
    Boom, bap, rumba rap.
    Zhezoom, bedoong, be-bop, ba-boom~

  8. Calvin Wesley

    False advertising “should remain the exclusive domain of your local pastor when he promises to keep this Sabbath’s message short.” Yeah, right. My pastor keeps saying “I’m almost done” and finally, about an hour later, he finally gets done. It’s confusing when he keeps saying “I’m almost done” every 10 minutes. A note to pastors everywhere: don’t say you’re done if you are not.

    “An able minister was asked how long he was accustomed to preach. ‘When I prepare thoroughly, half an hour; when only partially, an hour; but when I enter the pulpit without previous preparation, I go on for any length of time you like; in fact, I never know when to stop.’ ” {Ellen White, Evangelism 176.2}

    Ellen White said you should not preach more than 30 minutes. “I should be sorry for my hearers to spend the second half hour in forgetting what I had said in the first, or in wishing that I would cease when I had given them as much as they could carry away.” {Evangelism 176.4}

    “Let your discourses be short.” {Evangelism, p. 177} “Speak short. Your discourses are generally double the length they should be.” {Testimonies to Ministers, p. 311.}

    Less is more. The Greatest Sermon Ever Preached (Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount) was only 13 minutes.

    1. Pete Repeat

      “Ministers too often stand before the people and deliver lengthy discourses, which in order to do good, need to be divided into three parts.” (Ellen White, Letter 95, 1896)

      “Do not hold the people in your discourses more than thirty minutes.” (Ellen White, Manuscript Releases vol. 10 page 130)

  9. Debting Thomas

    It’s all about money. I’ll say it again: it’s all about money. If that company wasn’t owned by a good tithe-paying Adventist and did not employ tons of good tithe-paying Adventists, and did not donate a library to SAU, etc., there’s no way their obesity-and-diabetes-inducing products would be accepted by church leaders and denominational book stores and health food stores. It’s all about money. I’ll say it again: it’s all about money, “till debt do us part.”

      1. duane bietz

        I find it fascinating that there are those so concerned about the GC president becoming the Papacy and a paragraph later are suggesting that WITHOUT MONEY FROM A COMMERCIAL ENTITY the product WOULD NOT BE ACCEPTED BY THE CHURCH HIEARCHY. Since when do we look to the church to accept or deny our GOD GIVEN ability to choose those things that are not Illegal? Health is in the BODY of the consumer and whether I choose to eat 1 little debbies, None, or 50 should not be a religious choice or would the concerned writer wish to include that in one of the 28 CORE beliefs. AS I am sure all of the MCKEE BAKING empire would collapse IF IT DEPENDED on the SDA church to support it. Are you suggesting that we should be the gatekeeper to the WORLD as to what to eat, drive, wear, read, ?? Choice should also be a core belief!!\ I doubt that all the FAT people either in the world or the SDA church are that way because of Little Debbies. Lots of other choices have resulted in those BMI that exceed the standards for Obesity. I am obese and I tasted a Little Debbies only once about 20 years ago. It was delicious, but choice led me to other fattening things.

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