Search committee sets up Danish accent auditions for Andrews presidency candidates

Dr. Andreasen's effortless Danish delivery is going to be virtually impossible to match...
Dr. Andreasen’s effortless Danish delivery is going to be virtually impossible to match…

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Pushy Adventist headhunters have been barging into Copenhagen’s cafe church, a string of church offices and other hotspots of Adventist Denmark trying to find a replacement for Andrews University’s President, Dr. Niels-Erik Andreasen. The Danish Andrews president, who is widely credited with bringing stability and substantial growth to the Adventist university, has served in his position for 22 years and has said he will retire at the end of the 2015-2016 academic year.

“Dr. Andreasen might be quite literally irreplaceable judging by how well our candidates have performed in the Danish accent auditions so far,” said Ingen Chance, head of the search committee for a new president. “The problem is that students, faculty and donors won’t respond to anything less than a full-on Danish accent. They’ve had 22 years of it and by now it’s quite simply an expectation for anyone occupying that leadership position.”

Chance emphasized that an Adventist school “doesn’t just magically mushroom” into a global institution of more than 7,000 students studying around the world, with more than 3,400 studying on campus. “If you want to truly play in the Adventist big leagues, you’ve got to sound the part as president and with that effortless Danish delivery, Dr. Andreasen simply sounds a lot more more credible than your run-of-the-mill college administrator.”

Betraying more than a hint of frustration with the enormity of the task facing the search committee, Chance took a worried bite out of a Danish cookie. “We are not quite sure why Dr. Andreasen picked 2016 to leave, but after 22 years of working like a true statesman despite the oppressive stench of the nearby Andrews dairy, the man has earned his right to retire.”



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  1. Steven Wunder

    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍This is the perfect job for The Donald Trump. He is planning to change to an independent candidacy at the last minute. He will siphon votes away from the Republican candidate, and he will help Hillary Clinton get elected. That is his plan and purpose, according to a fascinating conspiracy theory.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍Since he doesn’t really want to be the U.S. President, he should be the Andrews University president!!! If he can run a billion-dollar business enterprise, including the world’s largest golf course and several casinos, he can surely run a university.
    ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍And The Donald is a seasoned TV personality and showman; he can surely pull off a Danish accent with no problem. Please, Andrews, let The Donald audition. He’s the man with the plan!

    1. Jim Neighbors

      One thing for sure: Trump can’t hold a candle to Dr. Andreasen’s hair. If Trump were to assume the presidency of AU, his welcome gift should be a can of hairspray. By the way, his name is not “The Donald.” His name is “Dr. Trump” because he received an Honorary Doctorate in Business from Liberty University on Sept. 24, 2012. There you have it: Dr. Trump is qualified to lead a university, even if every day would be “bad hair day.”

  2. Hilarious Clinton

    They should interview the lady who wants to be the Democratic candidate for the U.S. Presidency. Assuming that the national convention selects someone else as the candidate, or she loses the race in 2016, she will need something to do with her time. And she is a qualified candidate, what with her Juris Doctor degree and experience as a government official and stateswoman (with private e-mail server, and various e-mail violations to boot). Hey, she could set up a private e-mail server to circumvent the Andrews IT network. About the Danish accent. . . . well, how about if she says she likes to eat a Danish for breakfast — is that close enough?

    1. Jake Frost

      Yeah and she said MonicaGate was just the “vast right-wing conspiracy” trying to destroy Bill, after he pointed his finger at the camera and adamantly denied having a relationship with “that woman.” Now there’s EmailGate. What “gate” will be next with this clan? I don’t think she is the right one for the presidency of Andrews, whether or not she likes to eat a Danish for breakfast. Maybe Carly Fiorina could fake a Danish accent and take the helm of Andrews. (On second thought, considering how she botched her tenure at Hewlett-Packard, Andrews should pass on that one.) Who’s left? Ah! How about Ben Carson? He’s from Michigan and he’s an SdA! Eureka! Meet the new president of Andrews University: Dr. Ben Carson. Maybe he could use his neurosurgery skills to straighten out a few twisted brains on the faculty. . . .

      1. Calvin Cline

        Just today Hillary claimed that her unauthorized use of a private e-mail server “has nothing to do with me.” Wow! We need someone slick and poetic like that at the helm of Andrews. I can see it now: “Massive drop in enrollment? It has nothing to do with me.” “Serious budget shortfall? It has nothing to do with me.” “Faculty layoffs? It has nothing to do with me.” “I’m late to work for the 99th time? It has nothing to do with me.” “A vote of ‘no confidence’ in the president? It has nothing to do with me.” “The president’s office is doing a poor job? It has nothing to do with me.” “You don’t like me? It has nothing to do with me.” I guess nothing has anything to do with anything anymore. (Don’t worry, this has nothing to do with you. Seriously.)

  3. Ray Kraft

    Why does it always have to be Danish? Habit? Stuck in the past? Why not German, or English, French, Spanish, or, I know, Italian! What’s not to like about Italian? Andrea Bocelli! He can coach and coax the Heritage Singers into singing in Italian! Andrea Bocelli it is!

    And Italian is such a wonderfully romantic language, there can be no doubt the matrimonial rate would rise through the roof! thus promoting the primary purpose of Adventist colleges and universities everywhere.

    1. Calvin Cline

      Hey, here’s a new idea: how about a president from England. He could teach Hillary Clinton to sing in English. Remember the old joke about the boy who asked the surgeon, “Will I be able to sing after you remove my tonsils?” When the surgeon said Yes, the boy exclaimed: “Hooray! I never could sing before.”

  4. I always find the names of the spokespersons funny, ironic, or ingenious. This time is no exception, with Sevvy’s clever use of the Danish word “Ingen” (meaning “no,” “none,” “not a,” “nothing,” etc.) in the search committee chair’s name, “Ingen Chance.” I agree that there is “not a chance” that Andrews will find anyone truly capable of filling Dr. Andreasen’s shoes. I had a lengthy conversation with him a few years ago and was very impressed by his wisdom. But the funny thing is, I don’t recall hearing any accent.

  5. Jim Neighbors

    I nominate Donald Trump. When Jerry Falwell introduced him to give a speech to the convocation at Liberty University in 2012, Dr. Falwell said Trump is “one of the greatest visionaries of our time” and read a long list of Trump’s accomplishments in business, in the real estate and hotel industry (conveniently leaving out the “casino” part of the hotel ventures), and his rise to celebrity status as a bestselling author with a No. 1 television reality show. Dr. Falwell honored Trump’s “unwavering and public commitment to our nation’s founding principles of limited government, individual liberty, and the free enterprise system, and in further recognition of his iconic status as one of America’s most successful visionaries and entrepreneurs.” It doesn’t hurt that he’s a multi-billionaire, either. And he looks Danish to me. (Every billionaire looks Danish to me.) TRUMP FOR A.U. IN 2016! “Make Andrews Great Again!”

  6. Just N. Beaver

    President? Schmesident. I can prove that I don’t even exist. If I existed, I wouldn’t be writing this. But I _am_ writing this. Therefore, I don’t exist. But if I did exist, my grandma was Danish. Can I apply?

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