Slide Show: If Adventists ruled the world…

If Adventists ruled the world…


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...what would that world look like? We take a gander at what could be... (Photo via

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  1. Ray Kraft

    If Adventists ruled the world we’d all die of acute enui.

    That’s “boredom,” in French, for those of you who graduated from PUC.

    Unless Adventists had an epiphany, a new revelation, the 4th Angel’s Message, and realized that there’s more to life than religion.

    I imagine that God, the Almighty, infinite in every way, who chooses to remain silent, invisible, reclusive, must find our (humans’) obsession with religion the most boring of all possible things, which may be why He chooses to remain silent, invisible, reclusive.

    “These people are crazy . . . the bunch of ’em . . . let ’em stew in their own juice,” He mutters to Himself, while carelessly throwing rainbows over the rain, and on deep sea shells.

    “Why did I make ’em? Big mistake. Like it says in Genesis 2, I regretted that I had made man, and then I saved a few . . . shoulda drowned ’em all in the Flood, Noah and his kids along with the rest.”

    1. Ernie

      Boredom? I don’t know what kind of Adventist life you live, but the SDAs I hang around with are anything but boring! Zip-lining over the jungles on mission trips in Nicaragua; mtn biking in the hills of Loma Linda; mission trips to exciting places all over the world; making Christian movies for film festivals; creating cool digital apps for health and wellness…SDAs are active in all areas of life, and we don’t need drugs or alcohol to have fun! (even though I’m from SoCal and wine drinking is the stereotype…that’s just a visible minority that do). If anyone is living a boring Adventist life, don’t blame the religion! It’s anything but boring.

  2. “If Adventists ruled the world … all jewelry would be pinned to clothing.” Yep, that’s the rule. Flashy, expensive brooches, pins, and diamond-studded thingies are “OK if they don’t touch your skin.” Or if they’re “functional.”

    The Adventist Book Center will sell a new line of “functional earrings” this fall. Each style (studs, hanging, dangling, hoops, etc.) will have a miniature watch face. To tell the time, you have to take it off your ear, read the watch face with a magnifying glass, and put the earring back on. Or you could have a friend stand beside you and read the time with a microscope. But hey, it’s OK because it’s “functional.” Why not just admit that ?

  3. Ok people, let’s get our geo-cultural stereotypes correct, and then satire away. Southern California SDAs, yes, are stereotyped as swirling in a cesspool of vice. However, a true Californian knows that the stereotype of drinking wine belongs in Northern, not Southern California. LA ers have other issues. If you live in Central California, you’re as hardcore SDA as they come.

    1. Jake Daniels

      These geographical distinctions don’t matter, because a partnership between Loma Linda and Pacific Press is starting a new line of wine to be distributed at the ABC. In Southern California it will be vegetarian (“Vege-Wine”). For the more conservative Central Californians, it will be vegan. Pacific Press put their blessing on it because: 1) it has their label; and 2) the fermented grapes from which the wine is produced, are 100% kosher, organic, and free of any dairy products. There’s not a trace of meat, cheese, baking soda, preservatives, or lard. What’s more, there will be an exotic carob-flavored version with a dash of sea salt.

      Meanwhile, executives at Martinelli’s are worried about an impending loss of market share for their Sparkling Cider, which has heretofore been wildly popular among SDAs as it lets them enjoy the “appearance of evil” without the debauchery. As Martinelli’s plans its strategy to strike back, its advertising agency is floating a few potential slogans: “A sparkle is better than a buzz;” “All of the taste, none of the headaches;” “Discriminating SDAs prefer Martinelli’s;” or, if all else fails, “What Would Ellen Drink?”

    2. Ernie

      I didn’t know this! Well on New Year’s Eve, a friend started me on a tradition of drinking non-alcoholic O’Douls, which taste terrible, so will need to try this new SDA line when it comes out. If it taste like the real thing…ugh!!! Was in Geneva and the group that I was with had me try some white wine and I touched it with my tongue and almost spit it out, it tasted to bad. No thanks!

  4. Richard Mills

    Can’t even imagine a world controlled by SDA’s. Take a look at how a few of our Conferences are run! Some ABC’s closing. SDA Boarding schools closing. Too many committees around. Nothing gets done. Sack this idea before the 2015 GC session. Gonna double my medication! Woe is me.

    1. Jake Daniels

      Ah, poor Richard. Instead of doubling your psych meds to relax, you could try sipping some of the new Pacific Press Vege-Wine. I promise there is no dairy or lard in it. Look how Noah sipped some after the flood, and he really “peaced out”!

    1. Stan Flannery

      dschram, don’t worry. Haven’t you heard that Ted Cruz was selected as Hillary Clinton’s VP running mate? And Dr. Carson is going to throw in the towel (should I say, the surgical gown)? When the dust settles, the surprise winner will be Marco Rubio. He and his running mate Katy Perry will make a political dream team, ushering in a new world order of political enlightenment and entertainment. Then Marco will join the Kings Heralds, and Katy will join the Heritage Singers, and this will pave the way for world domination by SDAs, where Amazing Facts speaker Doug Batchelor will assume the role of Universal Pope, and all will live happily ever after.

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