SILVER SPRING, Md. — The results are in from the annual “Wish He Were Adventist” poll conducted by the North American Division of the Seventh-day Adventist Church. Canadian actor Ryan Gosling was the undisputed winner across all age, ethnic and cultural categories.
“Adventist women stand united in unchecked and unquestioned desire for Gosling to join the Adventist fold,” said NAD statistician Lucy Lopez. “Whether they want him for themselves, for their daughters or for their granddaughters, Gosling rises straight to the top of most Adventist women’s conversion wish list.”
Gosling, who is in the news again for his directorial debut with the movie “Lost River,” starred in romantic classics like “The Notebook” and is the source of hundreds of conversations at Adventist women’s ministries conventions across the United States and Canada. “It’s amazing to witness the sheer energy and creativity that goes into brainstorming outreach tactics inspired by the mere mention of Gosling’s name. The man truly brings a bottomless pit of motivation to female Adventists,” said Lopez.
“He’s the apple of everyone’s eye. Ryan is always on the hearts and minds of Adventist females,” said Lopez. “And who can blame them? He is absolutely gorgeous.
“I’d give Bible studies to him myself, anytime, anywhere.”
Best quote: “Gosling is the source of hundreds of conversations at Adventist women’s ministries conventions.” I wonder if Jesus feels left out.
“Please note that all characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report,’ including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or incidents, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, or comedy. If you do not find the stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or perhaps to check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”
What a crock of B.S. (Baloney Soup)! As usual, this story is fake. Here is the real scoop: Ryan Gosling couldn’t care less what these SDA women think, because he is secretly tied up with producing a new reality TV series, “The Candidates.” Anonymous sources on his production team divulged what will happen: Hillary Clinton will get a facelift and have an affair with Ted Cruz. Initially, it will be intended as a Samson-and-Delilah type of distraction and a means of discovering Ted’s campaign secrets. But she is actually going to fall in love with him and will select him as her vice-presidential running mate. (It will be the first ever mixed Democrat / Tea Party ticket.) Meanwhile, Ben Carson will thrown in the towel (should I say the surgical gown?) and decide not to run. To everyone’s surprise (like the story of the tortoise and the hare), Marco Rubio will stealthily win the election as no one wants to vote for Hillary and Ted Cruz (after all, two lawyers are enough to ruin anything). Ryan Gosling should be thanked for this fascinating new reality series, “The Candidates.” Adventist women, stay tuned for Ryan to announce the season premier. Your little hearts can quiver as much as you like, as he hosts each episode. Meanwhile, pray for Hillary and Ted to come to their senses. . . .
What is a “bottomless pit of motivation”? Does that mean their motivation went down the drain? Or they have endless motivation? It’s not clear.
Lots of possibilities for lay activities
We assume you meant personal ministries.
“Please note that this story, like others on this site, is a joke. All characters and incidents appearing in this ‘report,’ including any comments thereupon, are fictitious or parodied. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead (or incidents, past or future) is purely coincidental and/or is solely for purposes of parody, satire, caricature, or comedy. If you do not find these stories funny, please see your doctor to check your sense of humor (or maybe he should check your pulse). After all, laughter is the best medicine.”
Hey Girl: You look hot in that clear lip balm and mid-calf skirt.