Sligo Church to get a smoke machine

Just add smoke
Just add smoke

Takoma Park, Md. — Hailed as an “historic milestone in the growth of Sligo Church,” Senior Pastor Charles Tapp announced today that the church would inaugurate a smoke machine next Sabbath. Tapp said that the smoke machine was “not only a first for Sligo but a completely unprecedented purchase for Adventism.”

In an email to members titled “Holy Smoke,” the Sligo pastoral team outlined the various uses envisioned for the new machine which will blow “impressive amounts of smoke onto the church stage to create a lasting, dramatic effect.” The machine will be used during song service in the “final stanzas of particularly stirring hymns” as well as “at critical reflection moments during Pastor Tapp’s sermons,” said the email.

Members are asked not to activate any fire alarms when they see the smoke on stage. Tapp stressed that the smoke emitted by the new machine “is not harmful in any way” and that there is “absolutely zero chance of passive smoking even in the front rows closest to stage.”

Sligo stressed that due to proximity to the General Conference offices, the church was frequently host to visiting GC speakers and that the smoke machine could be used during the introduction of said dignitaries. Tapp added that during the introduction of GC officials of director rank or above, the machine could be programmed to “blow a steady steam of smoke throughout the sermon.”

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  1. Skipper36

    Since the GC can effectively obscure the view of Ecclesiastical Manipulations, Sligo Church decided they can create an opaque atmosphere just as effective. After all, what the lambs don’t know doesn’t matter anyway. A proven tactic–people don’t question authority, they
    just walk away. Seen the growth rates lately? Soon there will be no one left to snooker.

  2. Richard Mills

    Is this the new “wave” in SDA churches? Anyone can go down to the local hookah-vapa lounge and blow this new tobacco free/nicotine free smoke. Even in favorite aromas!. Soy flavor? Vega Dog flavor? Special K Loaf flavor? No GMO’s? Cool, Man, Whassup, Dude?
    SDA’s will now be able to get “high”. Can’t wait till they try it out at a Camp Meeting . Better yet, how about the 2015 GC? Woe is me!!!!

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