SILVER SPRING, Md. — In the first Apple product endorsement in Seventh-day Adventist history, church leaders released a statement today extolling the virtues of the “perfectly numbered” iPhone 7.
The statement said that while Apple products were already extensively used by church administrators, no iPhone can compete with the “brilliant, biblical numbering of the iPhone 7.”
While General Conference leaders added that the cool new dual lens and “weirdly misplaceable wireless earpods” were definite perks to the new iPhone, they could not “stress enough how much the number 7 means to us as Seventh-day Adventist smartphone users.”
In other news, this Sabbath’s offering will go to upgrading phone plans for leaders of the world church.
Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted.
God will kick them out of the church. How could they forget the apple and Adam and Eve? Newfangled stuff is all from the devil, anyway. Just when I thought the cabal in Silver Springs had bottomed out, they find new sludge to wiggle around in.
Oh ye of little faith. How are all youse SDA’s gonna hide & flee to the mountains in the last days with this Apple gizmo? The Big Brother GPS knows exactly where you is. Now is the time to get rid of all this electronic stuff that is weighing us down. Me, I’m gonna flee to Tennessee near Chattanooga & Little Debbies. WOe iz me!!
I understand that the new GC pres’s new i7 phone has a direct link to the heavenly mansions. Something like the old red phone on the popes desk.
IS IT TRUE THAT THE “APPLE” SYMBOL (APPLE WITH A BITE) IS A TRIBUTE TO EVE BRINGING SIN TO MAN?
HMM, I DONT KNOW EITHER BUT IT MAKES FOR GOOD CONVERSATION AT STARBUCKS, DRINKING A CAFE MOCHA WITH NO WHIP CREAM AND SOY VS COW MILK.
I’M GONNA GET THIS PHONE!!
HEY THERE MR BOFES, I THINK I’LL WAIT FOR THE iPHONE 20. HAS A GOOD RING TO IT.