Loma Linda, Calif. — Muggers in the Loma Linda-area have been dealt a serious setback when it comes to access to the local geriatric population. Ed Sutherland, 23, was no match for 110-year-old Edith Greenley’s vicious self-defense moves when he cornered her in the parking lot of Loma Linda Market, a local vegan grocery store. Seconds after demanding Greenley’s wallet, Sutherland was struck on the forehead by the centenarian’s shopping bag.
“I swung that bag like David’s sling,” said Greenley. “I had just stocked up on tracts at my local ABC so I was armed and ready. That’s how Adventists slay people in the spirit.”
The incident was captured in its entirety on video by Greenley’s 11-year-old great-grandson who was just emerging from the store as Sutherland began to threaten Greenley. The tween instantly uploaded the video which went viral before Sutherland even reached Loma Linda Medical Center. Sutherland left the hospital in the custody of local law enforcement with eight stitches to his forehead.
For her part, Greenley has announced that she will be opening a self-defense class at the Green Oaks Senior Center. She has promised to demonstrate how students can defend themselves from any attacker using veggie food from the frozen food aisle of any mid-sized supermarket.
Following the foiled attack, Greenley and her friends command a whole different level of respect around Loma Linda and the greater Riverside area. They are said to have inspired fear and trembling in the hearts of local petty theft enthusiasts. The word on the street is to stay away from anyone over 90 with a King’s Heralds sticker on their walker.
Asked what her secret was to living a long and secure life, Greenley said, “The Okinawans have Karate, the Sardinians have the Mafia, my knitting group and I — we stay off the hooch and carry cans of Big Franks.”