General Conference on global warming: it’s all going to burn anyway



SILVER SPRING, Md. — Environmentally-conscious Adventists were shocked today as the General Conference released a statement on global warming stating that “environmental conservation and green energy efforts, while cute, are ultimately pointless as the whole world is going to burn anyway.”

The announcement immediately provoked an outcry from progressive Adventists who decried the short-timer outlook of current GC administrators. “In their ardour to stress the hereafter, Adventist leaders are allowing the world to go to hell,” said Andrews University-based Renewable Energy professor, Paward Greenely.

“We as Seventh-day Adventists believe the Second Coming is soon but it seems very self-serving to therefore ignore any real efforts at stewardship in the meantime,” said Greenely. “It doesn’t imply a lack of faith to show a little concern for the world around us. We would have a lot more credibility as a church if we’d been a little less blinkered over the last 150 years plus.”

General Conference officials have yet to respond to Greenley’s comments. They are said to be in round-the-clock meetings aimed at how to best utilize offering money to dump landfill loads of tracts and paperbacks on the doorsteps of complete strangers in major cities around the world.



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  1. Elon Musk has just agreed to launch a 2016 special SpaceX rocket mission to Mars (prior to the inferno) with a copy of Great Controversy on board to so it can be eternally preserved and then copied there and handed to all the Martians. However, he is concerned that once the world catches on fire all the copies of that book resting in dumps may send flames clear to Mars and he is soliciting prayers requesting God move Mars to a more distant orbit should that happen. He was going to fly the first stage back to GC headquarters for a memorial, but figured, why bother, it will all be burned up anyway.

    1. The haystack recipe has been stolen, for moral reasons, and has been duct tapped to the back cover of the eternal version of GC soon on its way to Mars. It’s calculated to be nourishment for Marshans while they read their free edition of The Great Controversy.

  2. So the GC is studying “how to best utilize offering money to dump landfill loads of tracts and paperbacks on the doorsteps of complete strangers. . . .” Maybe they should try feeding the homeless, clothing the naked, and visiting the prisoners. . . .

  3. Hilarious Clinton

    Forget “As the World Burns.” Speaking of something hot, how about this:

    Bill: “Hillary, you are so beautiful.”

    Hillary: “O Bill, you would say anything for a chance to the the “First Gentleman” of the White House. Just make sure you leave my interns alone, OK? After all, the first scandal was 20 years ago; you’re all grown up now!”

    1. Pill Cosby

      Pill Cosby will be joining Billy Clinton on the campaign trail to stump for Hillary. Both men are such shining examples of fine upstanding gentlemen and respect for women!

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