SILVER SPRING, Md. — Hundreds of church executives and other employees have been trapped inside the General Conference building since the spotting of a suspicious-looking drum set in the GC auditorium several hours ago forced a lockdown of the premises.
In addition to sealing all entry and exit points to the building, security quickly cordoned off a generous perimeter around the drum set and access to the GC auditorium itself has been severely restricted.
Although GC security officials maintain that they have no idea how the drum set arrived in the auditorium, several theories have been proposed to explain its presence. “It could have been planted by an insurgent charismatic over the weekend,” said GC spokesperson Dewey Bronson, breathing hard into a walkie-talkie from somewhere inside the GC complex, “It may even have been people from La Sierra,” he said, stressing that no group had yet claimed responsibility for the action.
Building security has been ordered to review security video footage for clues as to how the drum set appeared on the stage of the auditorium. “It is too early to say anything definitive but I can assure you that all of the perpetrators of this heinous crime will be brought to justice,” said Bronson.
A team of musicians has been deployed to disarm the drum set and perform a complete extraction of its diverse components through a fire exit. “Until we get the all-clear, no one is going anywhere,” said Bronson. “We are not taking any chances. You never know what kind of hysteria can erupt around drums.”
“General Conference building on lockdown after discovery of drum set.” That’s very funny.
I think things got out of hand and went BBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!! I see a set of cymbals. That’s Biblical! N.I.M.B.Y.!! Woe is me!!
LOL! I seriously wish that I could “thumbs up” or “like” your posts!
…now about them bongos under the front pew….
LOL!!!!!!!!
Wonderful satire as usual, barely adventist gets better and better. ( drums were banned in our sda church , when i used to go )
Every song on WGTS has drums in it along with every track played at our church that people sing special music to, yet the sight of them incites holy terror
It is a “visual” sin my brother Mike….to hear it is not a problem. Lol
This has to be a satire site. Foolishness
Are you serious??? ^^^
Did everyone survive??
Ok so why cant we just believe its a miracle? Miracles do happen. Raising the dead or delivering a drum set which is easier anyway?
ROFL!!!!! Serious props.
What a wonderful setnof drums
It like saying the church believes that drums are going to invoke the devil. Is that true?
I personally know several people who have told me that to my face. And we have drums in our church almost every weekend.
And no, they don’t invoke the devil any more than the piano or organ or guitar or pews or carpet or pulpit or preacher.
This must be a joke. All the SDA Churches in St. Louis and East St. Louis have drums. What’s the big deal. They are in the bible! OMG!
Almost all… I go to Central and they are pretty anti-drum. 🙁
So, my tambourine is not allowed thru security as well?
Lol!
I like how under most of these articles is someone saying, “Is this real?”. You know you’re doing a good job when you write so over-the-top and still get people biting.
Haha “It could have been planted by an insurgent charismatic over the weekend,” This is great, stuff! Makes you think of how certain traditions and rules can be just as much of a distraction as it is a protection.
This is hilarious! One of your best!
Who needs drums, when there is A cappella. Any instrument can be played in good taste or bad.
PTX
http://youtu.be/he7HSJIFFDE
Ivor Myers was in a famous hip hop group.
All these comments crack me up! lol
It’s not the Drums that are evil but the certain types of drum beats that summons evil spirits.
By the way I am a Drummer. 🙂
Wrong. There is no set specific beat that summons evil spirits. What matters is that you are using the drums to praise God. (I don’t think that should summon evil spirits)
When is the exorcism going to be scheduled? Is Ted Wilson doing it?
I heard from a reliable SDA source when I was in academy (60 years ago) that playing the drums backwards would summon Satan. No one ever explained how you play drums backward. Maybe if you record them and then play backwards it will work.
It’s interesting how beating on a drum is evil, but beating on ones wife is following Gods command if you are a “headship” believer!
REMOVE ME PLEASE