GC hires Chuck Norris to enforce “Unity” document


SILVER SPRING, Md. — General Conference officials looking for a way to encourage widespread adoption of the ideas behind the “Unity” document, have hired Chuck Norris.

The action star was charged with bringing “perfect unity to the world church on the issue of women’s ordination and anything else that we fight about.”

Norris accepted the job this morning.

After making one phone call, the star reported that perfect unity had settled like a gentle dew across Adventism.

After a series of inquiries, GC officials admitted that Norris had, indeed, achieved what many considered to be the impossible:

Not only was there perfect harmony on the issue of women’s ordination across the world church but the exact depth of acceptable water for Sabbath wading had been agreed upon universally, as had the precise length of the permissible Sabbath afternoon nap.

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  1. Silver Springs Enquirer

    President Ted Wilson is in the news again. Earlier this week he slammed the press and called a private meeting with his communications team and press secretary, telling them they better get on the same page and blaming them for most of the bad week he’s having–where each new day brings another round of unprecedented leaks, allegations, and revelations related to “the Jesuit matter” and Wilson’s alleged sharing of highly-confidential information with Rome. Wilson blasted the reports, labeling them as “fake news.”

    Wilson is planning on trying to reboot his image by going on a tour of the Middle East next week. With the GC Headquarters already in disarray, however, it remains to be seen whether this trip will make things better, or worse. Things are getting so bad that SNL is planning to start lampooning President Wilson instead of President Trump. Reacting to this report, Wilson remarked, “Just when I thought that failing, unfunny show couldn’t get worse. . . .” Meanwhile, Adventist media reported that, in the midst of all this turmoil, NAD leader Dan Jackson has filed papers to start an independent ministry. . . .

  2. Update-Norris appeared in our church last Sabbath. All was fine until he was invited to stay for the pot luck. Guess what happened next? Unity is just another word! There was unity when it came to the dessert. Lots of Little Debbies. That’s real unity!!

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