SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a special dispensation for fans desperate to see Pixar’s new release, Finding Dory, General Conference officials have opted to allow Seventh-day Adventists to see the animated sequel to Finding Nemo in theaters. The reason for the exception? The film has been categorized as a “nature video.”
“We don’t normally do this but we as Adventist have a soft spot for nature videos,” said GC movie critic Faya Chariot. “The story of a cute blue-tang fish called Dory on a brave quest to find her parents was so moving that we are letting Adventists see it before it’s out on DVD.”
Chariot warned Adventists not to abuse this special privilege. “If you get to the theater and Finding Dory is sold out, don’t think you can just go see something else.”
She added that just because nature videos can be viewed on Sabbath doesn’t mean that people should be watching Finding Dory on Friday night.
Single, separated, divorced and widowed Adventists who want to change that status wanted.
Did the G.C. movie critic, “Faya Chariot” say the same thing about “Chariots of Fire” because it portrayed a Christian who ran for the glory of God?
Haha! You got it!
Does your angel still have to wait outside because the cinema is full of worldly people, even when the movie is Finding Dory? Or does God allow a special exception to the rule–to let angels go inside–for nature flicks? Inquiry minds want to know!
Johnny: Daddy, why can’t we watch this movie at the cinema instead at home?
Daddy: Because worldly people are at the cinema, and your angel will have to wait outside.
Johnny: Aren’t worldly people at the grocery store and Walmart, too?
Daddy: Yeah, but the people at the cinema are really, really worldly.
Johnny: How do you know?
Daddy: Because they go to the cinema!
Angels have been banished from the whole city of Hollywood. They can’t come within the city limits. In fact, angels aren’t allowed to go within 50 feet of those RedBox movie vending machines. That’s why so many injuries happen in the Walmart lobby.
and we thought Los Angeles was the city of angels?
I feel sorry for little Johnny. He has a point: worldly people are at the grocery store and Walmart, too. I bet they’re at the gasoline station and the post office, as well.
In view of that logic, the G.C. Director of Avoiding Worldliness has issued a new policy edict, commanding all SDAs to transact all their business online so they won’t come into contact with worldly people. If any worldly people are employed at their workplace, the SDAs will be required to resign. Touch not the unclean thing!
“When the Pharisees saw Jesus eating with the sinners and tax collectors, they asked His disciples: ‘Why does He eat with tax collectors and sinners?’” Jesus answered, ‘It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.’” (Mark 2:16-17)
I think Jesus had a special permit from the General Conference that allowed him to eat with sinners.
Oh, and in the KJV it isn’t “tax collectors,” it’s “publicans,” and publicans were, are, pub keepers, i.e., bartenders. The SDA commandment against drinking beer and wine was unknown and unimaginable back then.
Water was often contaminated, you could get sick, water could kill you, safer to drink beer and wine, the alcohol killed the cholera.
I thought it said “Republicans.” That’s why I’ve been voting GOP all these years. Now I’m embarrassed.
Samuele R. Bacchiocchi would have had words for you, Ray:)
Do you all remember the nature films of yesteryear by Walt Disney when he was alive? Every SDA church, youth group, etc. all showed them every Saturday night right after sundown. Those were the days!. Walt Disney was made an “Honorary SDA” for all his efforts. It was OK to go to the SDA building to see this stuff but it was NIX to see it at the local theater!! When Disney died, all his so-called films began to show the occult. Disney is now barred from SDA institutions. But it’s OK to visit Disneyworld & Disneyland. I ought to know!! And it’s OK for SDA’s to work for Disney. Not to worry about the unclean thing. See you back at the at the cell block. I like Mickey Mouse & Donald Duck. Woe iz me!!
Disney, Schmisney. You like Donald Duck, I like Donald Duck Dump Tramp. Aren’t padded cells great?
Remember when Ben Carson said he endorsed me because (although he thinks I’m a terrible candidate) I promised him a position in my administration? Well, it’s true. He’s gonna be the new SDA Movie Czar — the White House Ambassador to the G.C. Department of Approved Entertainment. He will work with the G.C. to tell God to approve a couple of other categories, such as brain surgery documentaries and Mannatech MLM infomercials. I’m sure the G.C. will also tell God to let His angels into the theater for those kinds of movies. After all, doesn’t Two Corinthians say “whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven”?
It may be confusing to non-SDAs, but the new Adventist Movie Rating Association’s ratings for Christian films will be:
G = Good
PG = Pretty Godly
R = Redemptive
X = Excellent
Just make sure it’s a Christian movie before you rely on the ratings!
Since I’m not tied up on the campaign trail anymore, I’ve been enjoying re-runs of old GOP debates for laughs. And re-runs of my Democratic debates for old times’ sake. Remember when I accused Hellary of raking in $650,000 for one speech at Goldman Sachs? Why won’t she release the transcript? Because it reads: “Thank you ladies and gentlemen, I am bought and paid for.”
He never gives up….