SILVER SPRING, Md. — A gang of nervous Silver Spring turkeys are hoping to escape the chopping block this year by finding work at the best known vegetarian employer in town: the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.
Straining to understand streams of mostly unintelligible gobble, local media picked up that the turkeys are determined to find work at the GC despite the fact that Adventists stiff you on the paycheck and won’t promote females.
“Unlike humans, we are not at all happy to have a day named after us,” said Longbeard, an unusually articulate and impressively plump lead turkey, “Turkey Day isn’t exactly our happiest time of year.”
In response to questions about their odds of successfully finding a job and seeking refuge behind GC walls, Longbeard said that he and his fellow gobblers were optimistic: “It’s not just their vegetarianism that makes the Adventist a safe bet. Historical precedent is also on our side. I hear they already have several turkeys working big jobs at the General Conference.”
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“It’s not just their vegetarianism that makes the Adventist a safe bet. Historical precedent is also on our side. I hear they already have several turkeys working big jobs at the General Conference.” Hmm. . . . that’s interesting, sevvy.
Don’t take it the wrong way. I’m sure Sevvy was referring to the actual animals called turkeys, not humans who act like turkeys.
I ONCE PUT A BULLET THROUGH A TURKEY, THEN ATE IT. GOOD TIMES.
A GLYCERINE BULLET THAT IS. IT WAS CONSTIPATED.
This is too close to reality: “The turkeys are determined to find work at the GC despite the fact that Adventists stiff you on the paycheck and won’t promote females.” I’ve always said females are not qualified to be President (especially not me), but I don’t like to get stiffed on my paycheck. Reminds me of the good old days when I could see Russia from my gubernatorial mansion in Alaska, but I couldn’t name any newspapers that I read. And that sort of reminds me of Ben Carson. Some people even say I’m the female “Ben Carson,” or he is the male “Sarah Palin.” Go figure.
It’s better to be a turkey seeking work at the GC than a turkey seeking work at the White House.
If the General Conference has no openings for the poor little gobblers, I’m sure Congress would have several positions available. They could be trained to overhaul Obamacare and the U.S. Tax Code.
They’re welcome to come work in my office along with the other turkeys.
Hey, I know: let’s put ‘dem turkeys to work writing the next 28 fundamental beliefs, so we’ll soon have 56. The more, the better!
Sounds like a good task for the GC Papacy.
The foul(sic) coalition Turkies Are Important Too are preparing a million bird swoosh on the GC, on the ready should there be any resistance to these noble gobblers, non Syrian refugees, employment.
Turkey Lives Matter! Adventist Lives Matter! All Lives Matter!
Those noble gobbler refugees are welcome over here. I’ll put ’em to good use. “I’ll put a turkey in every pot and a car in every garage” (with apologies to my old enemy Herbert Hoover).
Next thing ya know, those turkeys will go on strike for higher minimum wages. Some birds just can’t be satisfied.
I already saw some birds on strike up there. They were sitting on a telephone line, refusing to work.
Why can’t they leave well enough alone? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
YOU BOYS NEED WIVES WHO ARE GOOD HOMEMAKERS LIKE I AM, GOMER IM NOT SURE ABOUT YOU THOUGH.
Why did the turkey cross the road? “Because he was on his way to work at the GC.”
Why was the turkey running after the garbage truck? “He was yelling, ‘Taxi, taxi!'”
What do you call 13 turkeys sitting in a circle? “A dope ring.”
How many turkeys does it take to change a light bulb? “It depends on which person you’re talking about; but the bulb won’t really change, it will still be a light bulb.”
What do you call two Clintons sitting in a circle?
THAT TURKEY WAS NOT CROSSING THE ROAD ON HIS OWN, MY TRUCK BUMPER HELPED.
The reason we are not applying to work at the GC, whereas the turkey refugees are, is because we have large frontal lobes that allow us to reason and think, whereas animals have large primitive brain stems that let them react without thinking. So “feed a cold, starve a fever,” or is it “starve a cold and feed a fever”? Happy Turkey Day!
Let’s be clear: if you have breasts and thighs, you need to understand that entry will be at the basement door. Upside: probably no discrimination between brown or white flesh, although when we get to heaven our flesh will be white, like Jesus
Turkeys working at the GC . . . probably not . . . they won’t be hired, they’re way too over-qualified.
TURKEYS ARE HUMAN TOO.
Thanks for clarifying that. I always had a hunch that it was true.
Turkeys would do a world of good at the GC. They seem to proliferate nicely. Think of the evangelism they would produce. Millions of ’em-all over the world. All looking alike. All thinking alike. All eating the same diet. It’s a win/win situation. I’m all for it. You got my vote. See me down in the barnyard tomorrow early AM. Woe is me!!
But would they pay tithe? What good is “millions of ’em-all over the world, all looking alike, all thinking alike, all eating the same diet,” if they’re not all paying tithe? What good is a bunch of tithe-paying robots if they don’t even know how to pay tithe?
that should be the least of your worries. Many moons ago I actually worked on a turkey farm and I can tell you that where there is turkeys there are piles of dividends of free will offerings; no need for arm (or neck) twisting
No thanks. We don’t need that kind of offering. But if you can sell those piles of poo, we’ll gladly take the money.