Gang of nervous turkeys seek gainful employment at General Conference


SILVER SPRING, Md. — A gang of nervous Silver Spring turkeys are hoping to escape the chopping block this year by finding work at the best known vegetarian employer in town: the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists.

Straining to understand streams of mostly unintelligible gobble, local media picked up that the turkeys are determined to find work at the GC despite the fact that Adventists stiff you on the paycheck and won’t promote females.

“Unlike humans, we are not at all happy to have a day named after us,” said Longbeard, an unusually articulate and impressively plump lead turkey, “Turkey Day isn’t exactly our happiest time of year.”

In response to questions about their odds of successfully finding a job and seeking refuge behind GC walls, Longbeard said that he and his fellow gobblers were optimistic: “It’s not just their vegetarianism that makes the Adventist a safe bet. Historical precedent is also on our side. I hear they already have several turkeys working big jobs at the General Conference.”



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  1. Sara Palen

    This is too close to reality: “The turkeys are determined to find work at the GC despite the fact that Adventists stiff you on the paycheck and won’t promote females.” I’ve always said females are not qualified to be President (especially not me), but I don’t like to get stiffed on my paycheck. Reminds me of the good old days when I could see Russia from my gubernatorial mansion in Alaska, but I couldn’t name any newspapers that I read. And that sort of reminds me of Ben Carson. Some people even say I’m the female “Ben Carson,” or he is the male “Sarah Palin.” Go figure.

  2. Howard Johnson

    If the General Conference has no openings for the poor little gobblers, I’m sure Congress would have several positions available. They could be trained to overhaul Obamacare and the U.S. Tax Code.

  3. Bugs/Larry Boshell

    The foul(sic) coalition Turkies Are Important Too are preparing a million bird swoosh on the GC, on the ready should there be any resistance to these noble gobblers, non Syrian refugees, employment.

    1. Vladimir Pukin'

      Those noble gobbler refugees are welcome over here. I’ll put ’em to good use. “I’ll put a turkey in every pot and a car in every garage” (with apologies to my old enemy Herbert Hoover).

  4. Hilarious Clinton

    Why did the turkey cross the road? “Because he was on his way to work at the GC.”

    Why was the turkey running after the garbage truck? “He was yelling, ‘Taxi, taxi!'”

    What do you call 13 turkeys sitting in a circle? “A dope ring.”

    How many turkeys does it take to change a light bulb? “It depends on which person you’re talking about; but the bulb won’t really change, it will still be a light bulb.”

  5. Dr. Ben Carsinogen

    The reason we are not applying to work at the GC, whereas the turkey refugees are, is because we have large frontal lobes that allow us to reason and think, whereas animals have large primitive brain stems that let them react without thinking. So “feed a cold, starve a fever,” or is it “starve a cold and feed a fever”? Happy Turkey Day!

  6. Brownie White

    Let’s be clear: if you have breasts and thighs, you need to understand that entry will be at the basement door. Upside: probably no discrimination between brown or white flesh, although when we get to heaven our flesh will be white, like Jesus

  7. Richard Mills

    Turkeys would do a world of good at the GC. They seem to proliferate nicely. Think of the evangelism they would produce. Millions of ’em-all over the world. All looking alike. All thinking alike. All eating the same diet. It’s a win/win situation. I’m all for it. You got my vote. See me down in the barnyard tomorrow early AM. Woe is me!!

    1. Hugh Heifer

      But would they pay tithe? What good is “millions of ’em-all over the world, all looking alike, all thinking alike, all eating the same diet,” if they’re not all paying tithe? What good is a bunch of tithe-paying robots if they don’t even know how to pay tithe?

      1. Diva Dend

        that should be the least of your worries. Many moons ago I actually worked on a turkey farm and I can tell you that where there is turkeys there are piles of dividends of free will offerings; no need for arm (or neck) twisting

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