Adventist leaders announce “haystacks-related” 29th fundamental belief


SILVER SPRING, Md. — A new fundamental belief for the Seventh-day Adventist Church is in the pipeline according to an official statement from the General Conference. Although the exact language of the belief is yet to be crafted, leaders promise that the new fundamental will “ensure perfect consistency and a sweet spirit of harmony as Adventists tackle haystack preparation.”

“Some Adventist may be upset that we are establishing guidelines for haystack prep but we promise that this new fundamental will put the ‘fun’ back in ‘fundamental,'” said General Conference Director of Creed Creep, Trop de Fromage.

Challenges for the new fundamental are already surfacing as church administrators clash over what constitutes “biblically-supported haystack ingredients and their proportions,” said Fromage. “Some of our dear brothers and sisters seem to think that Fritos are somehow sacred and can’t occasionally be replaced with other corn chips brands or even those really fun guacamole chips. That’s just plain wrong.”

Although countless committees, billable hours and cups of Postum have already been allocated to ironing out the intricacies of the “haystack belief”, Fromage says that church resources budgeted for the task will be well spent.

Fromage also sought to calm the fears of members that claim the ever-growing list of fundamental beliefs contradicts the simple vision of Adventist founders. “We realize that we started off as a young and nimble church that did not believe in something as stodgy and settled as a creed,” said Fromage. “We just need one last fundamental to get it right.”



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  1. Lawrence Stanbrough

    This may be satire, but it conveys a serious truth: “the ever-growing list of fundamental beliefs contradicts the simple vision of Adventist founders.” The founders eschewed credalism and believed that truth is advancing, not static.

    1. Manny B'leefs

      The problem is not only the proliferation of beliefs, but the fact that they are proclaimed to be “fundamental.” They might be important, but it’s hard to imagine having 28 truly fundamental beliefs. I think only three beliefs are really fundamental: 1) I believe in, and love, God. 2) I accept Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord. 3) I want to love my neighbor as myself.

      1. Joe SDA

        Amen Manny. The SDA church has become glutenous in its yolk and its desire for all of us to bear it. Yes three beliefs are the only true salvation related commands. The sabbath is great but if were that GREAT, Genesis would have been flooded with it. But it is not.
        Worse yet. This past GC session also decided to substitute words to conform to modern times and political correctness, for example human instead of man. Look for the official SDA bible soon. Anything else will be wrong. I’ll wager to say that context will be changed to support SDA belief.

  2. Haystack Curious

    @EGW – I see what you did there 🙂

    On a separate note, I’ve never had haystacks – never spent enough time in the US. Adventists don’t know it where I am from. We were tortured by gluten as a meat substitute in Pathfinders.

    Are haystacks that good? Also, are they even really that healthy?
    How truly “healthy” can they be if they have Fritos or corn chips?

    1. Planmeister

      Haystacks are amazing!! Maybe Loma Linda Foods (or Worthington or Morning Star) can create an all-in-one package, a “Haystack Kit” if you will, for export to haystack-deprived portions of the globe! You’d probably have to add lettuce and tomatoes locally, but that shouldn’t be a problem, right? Well, in Antarctica, maybe.

  3. Marco Polo Rubio

    Haystacks a wonderful, but we don’t need a Fundamental Belief doctrine about them–or about a lot of other things, for that matter. Oh for the good old days when the pioneers had simple beliefs. Even better, oh for the days of Jesus who said the great commandments were simply to love God and people.

  4. Donald Dump

    I’m a proud Presbyterian, and I “don’t know about” Adventism, but I have a suggestion: haystacks are “too Mexican.” Don’t adopt the Haystack Doctrine; try making a new Fundamental Belief # 29 about the Great Wall of Mexico. You can even add it to the Baptismal Vows: “I believe in the Great Wall of Mexico and the separation for which it stands.” And remember to vote for me in 2016: The Donald Dump.

    1. PANCHO


  5. Ben Carsinogin

    The Haystacks Doctrine is too culinary to be F.B. 29. I recommend making a doctrine against Obamacare: “As a good Christian, I will not directly or indirectly accept any benefits from Obamacare. I will set up a health savings account, and I believe the sick should heal themselves.”

  6. Hilarious Clinton

    Who cares if there’s a doctrine about haystacks, as long as you vote for a woman for President. (And I’m NOT referring to Carly Flouride.) By the way, let me give you some womanly advice: never tell you’re wife that she looks fat in the new dress; just say: “I prefer a different color.” Never admit that she looks old; just say “I prefer to talk about something else.” And never, ever admit that you can’t stand your mother-in-law. Just cross your fingers behind your back and say, “Unfortunately, I will have to be away on business while your mom is here for two weeks. Please give her my fondest greetings.”

  7. Ted Cruise-control

    My wife was an Adventist, so vote for me to be your “Haystacker in Chief.” I’ll be sure to put haystacks on the White House menu. After all, everyone knows that Daniel, Shadrach, Meshack, and Abednego refused to eat the king’s delicacies and insisted on eating haystacks.

  8. Jeb Butch

    I love to go on a “haystack fast,” where I don’t eat anything except haystacks. It’s not much of a burden (and I hardly feel like I’m fasting) because haystacks make quite a complete meal. If you’re still hungry, you can eat a few Little Debbie’s to tide you over.

  9. Vladimir Pukin'

    Sevvy is a very talented writer. Instead of purveying the nonsense satire on this site, why doesn’t he write something of true value and worth like raunchy rap song lyrics or Ben Carson’s hip-hop commercials?


    There will soon be a new “Fundamental Belief” on how to tie you shoes and how to brush your teeth (and even a new FB dictating that every SDA buy at least 144 boxes of Little Debbie’s snacks per month and listen only to Del Delker and the King’s Herald). But actually it ain’t fundamental, “it’s elementary, Watson!”

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