Fixer Upper Stars to head up Maranatha church construction

Ready for this?
Ready for this?

WACO, Tex. — Fresh off announcing that they are calling it quits with their wildly popular home renovation show, Fixer Upper stars Chip and Joanna Gaines have decided to try their hand at building Adventist Churches.

The stars say that the HGTV series, which followed them as they transformed homes in Waco, Texas has been a lot of fun but that as soon as they wrap Season 5, they are ready for a bigger challenge.

“When I first heard about Adventist church building with Maranatha I wanted to run the other direction,” said Joanna. “Adventists don’t exactly have the best track record in this town.”

Chip and Joanna eventually agreed to heading up Maranatha church construction after visiting some of the organization’s building sites.

“Someone needs to get those Maranatha volunteers to cowboy up,” said Chip. “At every site we visited, half of them spent their days sipping sodas in the shade.”

“We’ll get them off their butts and spruce up the Plain Jane look of these Adventist Churches while we’re at it,” said Joanna. “I’ll put a Texas-big clock in the back of each church. That way members can keep their pastors accountable on sermon length.”

The Hope Channel has already offered the Gaines family a shot at an Adventist reality show that would follow their church building exploits. They respectfully declined saying they weren’t vegan enough.

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    Watch out for these non-SDA Fixer Upper stars, especially coming from Waco, TX. You don’t know what kind of light bulbs or night lights they will install. It is well-known that a large percentage of those innocent-looking electrical items have been bugged with listening devices by the Jesuits. Even worse, some light bulbs sold in the U.S. use technology leaked from the NSA to allow Jesuits to see and record the actions and movements of anyone within 50 feet of the bulbs or night lights. (Microwave ovens have already been known to include this capability, which could be disastrous if placed in SDA church potluck kitchens.) SDA congregations should think twice about allowing such technology into their buildings, becoming willing targets of Jesuit spying and influence. The Vatican has not denied this.

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