WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an emergency announcement, the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) is warning the nation of impending disaster after “dangerously high judginess levels” were detected at your local church.
“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said a statement from the EPA, saying that judginess hung in the air like a toxic smog that lashed people in the face the moment they stepped into your church lobby.
The agency released shockingly biblical information pointing to the fact that other church members’ skirt lengths, potential piercings or knowledge of the Sabbath School lesson this week are not supposed to serve as fodder for snide remarks or prayerful gossip.
“Unless you want the play-by-play of your own screwups documented in the bulletin, maybe you should cool it with the judgments,” suggested the agency’s statement, adding that chill pills could be purchased at your local ABC.
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Yes, I well remember that big black Suburban pulling up to my church a while ago. 4 men dressed in black suits, sunglasses and notepads descended on our church asking all kinds of questions. Our Security team was overwhelmed. Calls to the local PD were useless. They were ordered not to respond. “Official GC Business-top secret-hush/hush, mush/mush.” These guys would not even stay for the infamous pot luck after the service!. The Suburban was later seen at Starbucks. My lips are sealed. Told them nothing! Loose lips sink ships! Take my advice!!