White Estate: Spirit of Prophecy Does Not Contain World Cup Predictions

Stop it.
Stop it.

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a warning to amateur church historians, the White Estate has issued a statement saying that Ellen White’s writings contain absolutely no predictions about the winner of the 2018 World Cup.

“You are searching in vain,” read the statement aimed at over-earnest misintepreters of White’s writings who have been crowding into White Estate branch offices around the world, determined to find inspired answers to the summer’s biggest sporting question.

“We can confirm that Ellen White wasn’t the least bit interested in soccer,” said the White Estate. “People that are scouring her writings for things she never talked about have way too much time on their hands and deserve a red card for their appalling red book reading etiquette.”

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