United removes Doug Batchelor from plane for carrying “Sword of the Spirit”

United was not in the mood for Bible jokes.

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — United Airlines confirmed that it had removed veteran Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor from a flight leaving Sacramento International Airport this afternoon.

Batchelor was ushered off Newark-bound United Flight 1844 after casually telling a seatmate before takeoff that he was carrying the “Sword of the Spirit.”

Batchelor’s panicked fellow passenger wasted no time alerting cabin crew that the pastor was carrying a weapon.

A team of security personnel swarmed the plane within minutes.

No weapons were found in Batchelor’s hand luggage. All that was discovered was a very large Bible and a half-eaten Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie which Batchelor described as “the thorn in my flesh,” confusing personnel further.

Batchelor attempted to explain to unimpressed United staff and airport security that his “Sword of the Spirit” quip had merely been a New Testament reference to the Bible.

Unconvinced by his explanation, security deplaned Batchelor as a precautionary measure.

United later tweeted that Batchelor had been removed for “inappropriate cabin conversation and a Bible that exceeded hand luggage weight limits.”

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    1. Kim Jung Uno

      Depends on how you define “hilarious.” It might be creative, but it’s not funny. It’s never funny to spread misinformation and fables that will ensnare gullible suckers who don’t realize this is a so-called “satire” site. Why do they persist in violating the 7th Commandment? The love of money is the root of all evil.

    2. Døug Bâtchelor

      Fàke Néws is not hilarious. It’s sad and worthy of scorn. Whatever happened to the good old Christian and American values of truthfulness – keeping a level eye?

  1. Hartmut W Sager

    My Word! This must have been a Great Disappointment to our unfortunate traveller-evangelist. Though not mentioned in the article, it seems he took the matter in stride, rather than falling on his own Sword.

  2. Jim Pollock

    Just goes to show how nervous the world is and because they are not at piece with their maker they push the panic button like a hair trigger not having a clue of reality but it really is quite entertaining

    1. Disappointed

      Sadly, this fictitious report is a sacrilegious spoof making light of the shockingly violent removal of Dr. David Dao from a United flight. It is disappointing to see a supposedly Adventist Christian site play games making lite of that despicable act, as if it were a joke.

  3. B V C C.

    Yah a Bible exceeding carry on weight limits, they are crazy. I know people who have some huge Bibles but they don’t carry them around with them. They don’t even read them in their homes, they are just there for display. No body carry around a Bible that big which would exceed being on a plane. Truly crazy, insane, insanity.

    1. Michael

      An actual Liturgy Bible weighs 32 pounds. That’s why it is the firm foundation of the Lord. Even though the story is satirical, it does provide some humor as to how situations are misinterpreted.

  4. Lasse Mølgaard

    In real life.

    A few years back, I was travelling back to Europe from Mumbai International Airport and all the TV showed was the trial of the Norwegian terrorist Anders Breiwik. He was known for bombing the area where the Norwegian government is placed and shooting and killing about 90 students on a small island.

    The day I travelled back was a national holiday in India – and thete was a high risk for terrorism that day, which men a large army was on duty that day.

    Now how would you feel, when Indian passengers ask you about what is going on on TV?

    1. Weighed and Found Wanting

      Don’t you know this so-called blog is full of falsehood for so-called “comical effect”? They think it’s funny to publish deception under the guise of “satire.”

    1. Tired of Bunkum

      Amen! But don’t waste your breathe reminding B.A. about the Commandments. Sevvy is so bent on censorship that he blocked any message containing the words “fak-e n-ews” or “li-e.” If he can’t take the heat, he should get out of the blogging kitchen. These are the only people I know (besides National Enquirer and “Star”) who make a living (through advertising revenue) by breaking the 7th Commandment.

      1. Hartmut W Sager

        Does anyone here even know who this Sevvy character is? He NEVER responds to any reader comments, and his domain registration has “privacy” invoked. That, and the daily churning out of these jokes, the majority of which are really lame, gives me too the impression that he’s just in it for the money (advertising revenue). Like I’ve said before, Barely Adventist is becoming Rarely Adventist.

        1. Hartmut W Sager

          Thanks for this enlightenment. I don’t want to contribute to Sevvy’s ill-gotten revenues, so a question: When I participate here with reading and the occasional reader comment, do those page views give him/them revenue, or only if I click through on the ads (which I never do)? And is there revenue for him/them if I click through on the ads without buying?

        2. Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin

          For almost the past two years, BarelyAdventist has primarily focused on selling advertising space for stated prices (see http://test.barelyadventist.com/advertise-to-40000-adventists/ ), and they use their boast of 60,000+ monthly page views as an incentive to advertisers to buy the ad space. If they still have Google AdSense ads, there are two ways to make money from AdSense: 1) “Impressions” – this is based on the number of pageviews of pages or posts with ads; or 2) “Clicks” – this is based on how many people click on the ads.

  5. Aleida

    Well you have to be careful what you say or how you say it.
    People are ignorant of these double sided (as I will call it) words.
    To them it could mean anything but what it actually means.
    But for the airline to assume that it is really a weapon??? C’mon!!!
    There is no way they don’t know the meaning.
    I think this was funny actually

  6. Glenda

    Thank you United. I hope this info can get viral. Now the world will know more about Jesus and the truth when they try to find out who Doug Batchelor is. It is funny how God plays this game. Lol when you know who is going to win.

    1. Tired of Deception

      You want deceptive fa-ke new-s to go viral? The only one benefiting from this fable is sevvy and his pocketbook. I guess he never read about “Thou shalt not bear false witness.”

    1. Hartmut W Sager

      While the Website itself cannot easily be forced into shutdown, the GC Seventh-day Adventist Church can easily force Sevvy to drop the domain name test.barelyadventist.com. The GC won a court judgement many years ago allowing the GC to have exclusive rights to any domain names and church/organisation names that contain the terms “Adventist” or “SDA”. This was then applied to force name changes (possibly justified) on some independent/rebel/rogue non-GC Adventist variants, and unfortunately, even on a well-meaning GC-friendly Adventist matchmaking site.

  7. Francisco Benna

    Rated: FALSE NEWS
    Adventistas are LIARS this site prove it. Sorry ALL LIARS will go to Hell. Rev. 21:8: “and all
    LIARS shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone”

  8. That’s great! Ole’ Doug has such marvelous wit in dealing with these things. I know he takes it all in stride. The man seen nearly everything in this sin cursed Earth and maintains his joyful smile, like Ole’ Jack Sequeira whose life has been on the line for the LORD many times.

    1. Do Not Believe It

      The only problem is, he never really did this, or it never really happened to him. This is a HOAX, and it is making fun of what happened to the doctor on the United flight in Chicago last week.

  9. How man times I gotta tell youse guys the real deal . Dougie was able to leave the plane doing back flips. Outside the plane door, Dougie regained his imbalance and went directly to the waiting area. United put Dougie up in a first class motel with a generous food voucher in return for his ordeal. Dougie took the next flight out-#666. See ya at the 2020 GC. Long live the Little Debbies. End of story.

      1. Brotha Gotcha-I am taking a Jesuite course by mail order. Hope to be ordained by July 2017 just in time to infiltrate some SDA camp meetings. Got special literature to hand out on WO 7 the LGBT stuff. Keep me posted. My code name will be–opps–can’t tell you that! This is a secret society. Join me in a Little Debbie afternoon delight.

  10. It's all a crock of s*** anyway

    It’s satire. It’s not lying, nor is it heresy.

    Here’s a good example of a lie: I’m utterly shocked by the number of self righteous dimwits who voiced discontent in response to this piece.

  11. Vladimir Pukin'

    These Barely “Adventist” articles sounds like they was wrote by 14-year-old kid in parent’s basement. I glad Russian kidz has better thing to do with there time.

    1. Kim Jung-Ugly

      가는 길, 블라디머! 우리의 북한 어린이들도 더 나은 일을하고 있습니다.

      Ganeun gil, beulladimeo! Uliui bughan eolin-ideuldo deo na-eun il-eulhago issseubnida.

  12. Roger Metzger

    Does BARELYADVENTIST need to use a larger typeface for the word, “satire”?

    I have a suggestion for people who are complaining about this: If you don’t like satire, don’t read it! If you don’t know what satire is, enroll in a grammar school!

    I’m dead serious about the advent movement. I’ve written two “papers” in response to misinformation on the Internet in as many days. People who are complaining about adventists poking fun at ourselves, your time would be better spent offering alternatives to the oversimplification that passes as the history of the advent movement.

    At the time of Rachael Oaks’ famous conversation with Frederick Wheeler, which of them was an adventist?

    Was William Miller a Seventh-day Adventist?

    Did William Miller “predict” that Jesus would return on October 22, 1844?

    Did O.R.L Crosier write in an extra of the Day Star that no one’s sins will be forgiven until his name comes up in the investigative phase of the final judgment?

    Are Seventh-day Adventists vegetarians?

    1. Hitlary Klinton

      Roger, please note: BarelyAdventist REMOVED the disclaimer “Adventist Satire and Humor” that used to appear at the top of every page. Although you and I know it’s satire, some readers are obviously misled. Worst of all, many non-Adventist readers are misled and think these stories are real. So it makes Adventists look foolish. It’s especially concerning that Sevvy would make bald-faced claims about celebrities such as “Chuck Norris Becomes an Adventist.” It’s just a matter of time until one of those celebrities sues B.A.

      1. Concerned

        “Church trademarks, such as ‘Seventh-day Adventist,’ ‘Adventist,’ and ‘Ministry,’ may be used only in connection with denominational ministries and non-commercial activities of approved lay and professional groups. Use of these trademarks shall be controlled by the General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists through its Trademark Committee. Church trademarks shall not be used in any manner that will jeopardize the Church’s tax-exempt status.”

        1. Hartmut W Sager

          Only partly true. The term “Ministry” cannot be trademarked anywhere, as it is totally generic. The terms “Adventist” and “SDA” are trademarked (and enforced, as I have stated somewhere above) by the GC Seventh-day Adventist Church, but this is only in North America, and primarily under U.S. trademark law. Most of the trademark authorities in other countries do not recognize this trademark, as they rule that non-GC independent Adventists have a reasonable historic right to the terms “Adventist” and “SDA” as well.

  13. I got Constitutional lawyers already working on a class action suit. These guys are not dead beats. A news conference will be coming in a few weeks on the O’Reilly-O’Really show. Watch your local papers for time & date. This could go all the way to the Supreme Court. This is news you won’t see in the R&H.

  14. Antony

    “The story you just read was “satirical”(satanical?). As in, it wasn’t a real news story.”
    Untruth = Lie =Sin.

    “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all LIARS, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” Revelation 21:8

    “For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever LOVETH and MAKETH a LIE.”
    Revelation 22:15

    This website is an abomination to the Lord.

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