WASHINGTON, D.C. — The newly-minted Trump administration has announced that it will follow its widely-criticized “Muslim Ban” with what it is calling an “Adventist Ban.”
Trump’s executive order banning citizens of seven majority-Muslim countries from entering the US is to be followed by a similar ban on people coming from the seven countries outside the US containing the most Adventists.
“We don’t want to hear any quibbling about religious liberty from this over-sensitive denomination,” said Trump official Harma Geddine.
“We only like one Adventist. And even Ben Carson almost lost us the election at one point.”
Geddine said that the list of reasons for banning large segments of the Adventist world was, according to her boss, “as long as the wall we’re building. They’re YUGELY detrimental to American business interests.
“The Adventists’ stance on gambling hurts Las Vegas. Their pickiness with eating, drinking and social activities puts a serious damper on the entertainment industry. And don’t even get us started on the foreign policy implications of their take on America in Bible prophecy.”
Geddine said the specific countries whose Adventist nationals would be banned had not been released yet.
However, she advised the denomination’s leadership to “move the venue for your next General Conference Session outside the US if you plan on having a full house.”
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This is great – and well-written!! Love the spokesperson’s name, too.
If angels could use the Internet, they would visit http://www.YouTubePraise.com and sing along with the great worship songs.
This site is a lame attempt to make people laugh at fictitious satire, but it only makes fools of the church, because many people who stumble onto this site or see the stories shared on social media (including some members of the denomination) are not aware that these stories are just made up falsehoods. I know you rely on the little “satire” label at the top of the page, but in reality most people don’t even see that label. So you are misleading the gullible and tricking the unwary, and causing them to think your church is a bunch of dim-wits. Sure, you get advertising revenue, but how do you sleep at night?
This unfunny, failing website can’t get much worse. Peddlers of fake news and “alternative facts.” Their so-called humor is a yuge disgrace. Sad!
BREAKING NEWS: After trying valiently to defend the Travel Ban, embattled White House spokesman Sean Spicer was fired by U.S. President Trump this evening. Spicer was then immediately hired as the new spokesman for G.C. President Ted Wilson, with a special assignment to defend the Ordination Ban. There was a prompt news release from SNL stating that Melissa McCarthy will continue to skewer Spicer as he sets out to spout “alternative facts” and illogical explanations in his new position.
yes….seventh day adventist church should be shutdown….because the doctrine was sda teach against other church specially roman catholic church….It is very dangerous church and including his doctrine…if sda was shutdown everybody will be happy….because alot of wrong doctrine…
Stupid, if any of you were aware of Trump, you would know his one daughter is married to a Sabbath Keeper.
Trashing our new hard working God centered President is not a good thing.
No wonder I left this church.
Humor is a grand thing, God created humor in nature all the time.
My father and father in law loved and used humor daily.
It is so sad we can’t build people up.
Is there any thing to “barely pregnant? Or maybe on a more sober note, “barely saved”?
And I hate every time someone who does not know Dr Ben Carson makes a snide remark about such a Godly man.
Dr Ben Carson is indeed a “nice” man but when he started conducting book signings on the Sabbath and attending Sunday keeping churches his popularity in the presidential race took a dive.
God is particular when it comes to representing Him to the world. There is no place for double standards and just like Moses, who struck the Rock 2 times and was denied going to the Promised Land.
God is indeed a God of love but He does have standards we must conform to if we want to represent Him.
BEN CARSON IS NOT A JEW. HE IS CHRISTIAN OF THE SDA BRANCH. READ UP ON ACTS 14-16. FUN STUFF.
Sabbath Keeper does not mean the same as “Adventist.” In fact, as I understand it, Trump’s daughter and son in law are Jewish.
AND TRUE BLUE BLOODED AMERICANS WHICH IS A GOOD THING.
Do sabbath keepers attend balls Friday night?
Wish this was also satire.
“Trashing our new hard working God centered President is not a good thing.”
You’ve got to be kidding. I think I just threw-up in my mouth a little. There isn’t one Christ Like thing this new President has said or done.
His entire message is centered around fear. He said himself that he has never asked for forgiveness. If this is Christianity, then I am leaving the church because I would find this “God centered President” representative of nothing I want a part of.
Lucky for her. The Rabbi wrote the note and gave her permission, following Jewish traditions, to attend the event.
ALSO, NOTHING TO LAUGH AT BUT MANY IN CHRISTIANS IN MODERN TIMES AND RECENT TIMES HAVE BEEN KILLED FOR THEIR FAITH BY THE TRUE ANTI CHRIST MOVEMENT……….. MUSLIMS. ALSO NORTH KOREANS AND CERTAIN REGIONS OF CHINA HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO HATE AND PERSECUTE CHRISTIANS.
You need TO GET A LIFE. YOU NEED TO LEARN TO READ! President Trump didn’t ban anyone. He used the same list CREATED BY OBAMA. NOTHING NEW HERE OTHER THAN A BUNCH OF RABBLE ROUSERS TRYING TO DO NOTHING BUT CREATE ANARCHY. JUST THINK IF THE JESUITS DON’T GET YOU PRESIDENT TRUMP WILL. in
FACT IT IS UNDERSTOOD That THERE WILL BE NO FURTHER SERVICES HELD ON SATURDAYS OR FRIDAY EVENINGS UNLESS YOU CAN PROVE YOUR HEBRAIC HERITAGE THOUGHT ANCESTRY.COM. PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS BECOME A JESUIT. BEWARE!
The mankind hating, Trump lovers, create as much satire as the article. Funny stuff.
This ant funny in fact its against the Bible.
The Bible asks us not to gossip or tell false hoods such as what’s been said here.
The Bible says thou shat not bear false witness against thy neibhour
Eg article about Ted Wilson was a totally shame.
Poking fun at Gods leaders and his church along with Egw is down right disgusting.
This does Gods message no good in spreading truth all it does is spread lies
So I gather sarcasm isn’t a vocabulary word you’ve learned yet.
So…no more Haystacks and chocolate prune cake??? Oh, the horror!!!
My insiders down in DC informed me that the Trump family attended one of those infamous potlucks at a Takoma Park/Silver Spring SDA church and came away disappointed. Some type of digestive issue. Melania was admitted to Washington San for observation. She is allergic to TOFU!! Trump was supposed to ban SDA potlucks not the SDA church!! This was taken out of context. Go back and re-read the statement issued by the White House. Haystacks & Little Debbies excluded.
How about a “ban” on potlucks, tofu, I can’t hear you, happy Sabbath, are there any visitors with us today?, will the visitors please stand up so we may greet you, reach across the aisle and shake someone’s hand, ban the drums-bongos-beat boxes-the rock music, night-club music, CD accompaniments, etc.
Can we return to the simple church services and praise the Lord?
I think Keith Ellison follows you. Scary! He said today that Trump would ban Muslims, then he would ban Mormons and SDAs.
You are just SO funny!
Barely Adventist, I like you a lot…! You always crack me up with your humor. Don’t mind about some of these sad commentators here who don’t know how to take a joke.
Some comments like “God-centered President (Trump)” almost made wet my pants and hiccup at the same time. These people are funny when they come up with serious misunderstanding. But hey… God loves them too..!
Keep up the good job of cheering us up, those who can appreciate the humor.
A joke is one thing, Fake News is another. This is misleading, fictitious, and dishonest. “Satire” = FAKE NEWS.
HEY ANDY, LOVE YOUR COOKIES, EVEN THOUGH YOUR NOT AN SDA AND WILL BURN IN THE LAKE OF FIRE FOR EVER AND EVER BASED ON THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOT AN SDA, LOVE YOUR SHIRTS TOO.
I am considering going back to the SDA church. I find this site to not be the least bit funny. The Muslim Ban is not funny nor is your attempt at humor. Now I will reconsider going to the SDA church if this is what I will find. So un Christ like
Wow, another person without any understanding of satire. If you don’t like this site, don’t read it!!! Good grief….lighten up! Without humor, life isn’t worth living and laughing at ourselves is so much fun….