SEATTLE, Wash. — Starbucks founder and CEO Howard Schultz has announced that the worldwide coffee shop chain will only serve decaffeinated beverages, effective immediately.
The founder confessed that he had, in a moment of weakness decided to take an Adventist friend up on an invite to a healthy living seminar.
Schultz reported having mixed feelings about what he learned at the seminar. While he vowed never again to taste another slice of the veggie cheese promoted at the seminar, he said that he felt convicted by information presented about the harmful effects of caffeine and wanted to share the good news with his company.
The founder acted with characteristic effectiveness, informing the Starbucks board and corporate leadership that all caffeinated beverages would be removed from the coffee chain’s menu, to be replaced by a range of caffeine-free coffee substitutes with “weird and wonderful names like Postum and Roma.”
Adventist reporters that reached Schultz to ask him about the overhaul asked if he would also be switching caffeine-containing chocolate chips used in drinks and baked goods for carob.
After a moment of silence, Schultz notified the journalists that he had “just thrown up a little in my mouth.”