Report: Answer to 99% of Children’s Story questions is “Jesus”

No matter the question...
No matter the question…

BERRIEN SPRINGS, Mich. — Researchers at Andrews University who have been studying Sabbath morning children’s stories in Adventist churches have come to a shocking conclusion: The answer to 99% of questions asked during the stories is “Jesus.”

“Answering “Jesus” is a safe bet almost every time,” said lead researcher, Elle Salvador, who said that Adventist kids zone out during story time because they are so sure they have the answer to any question.

Salvador said that even on the odd occasion that “Jesus” is not the correct answer, the average Adventist congregation will find it too adorable to not reward the little cherub that thinks it is, with a hearty “Amen.”

“Plus, no self-respecting children’s storyteller wants to go on record telling a group of kids that Jesus is not the answer,” said Salvador.

“You’ll never recover from the looks of disappointment on the faces of the children or the death glares from the parents.”

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  1. Jon Conyers

    Wow, sevvy is desperate for advertising sales — or maybe Union College is desperate for new students. Now all the stories on BarelyAdventist are ruined by having an ad for U.C. in the middle of the text. What will be next? An ad for Trump’s toupee in the middle of the headline?

  2. Roy More

    I don’t read this blog anymore. I’m too busy hiding from the lying liberal media who only want to slander me with false allegations. Read my lips: “I did not have relations with that girl. I never even heard of her before – even though I signed her yearbook!” And no, I will NOT concede the election . . . unless I decide to run for President. After all, the allegations will all go away if I get elected President, right?

  3. richeerich

    Yes, all my Barely Adventist friends. There is an answer to all our questions. Satire or not, Jesus is the reason for the season and the real answer to all our questioning. DO I hear a LOUD AMEN? Thank you Brotha. Thank You Sista. Put your hands togehta. Shout for joy! Send in $29.99 and receive this special prayer shawl. Wear it everywhere. Wear it anywhere. Wear it anytime. Wear it every time. Wear it to bed. Wear it on your head. Wear it to SS & Church. Even when you are in a lurch. Be a Blessing and give a Blessing. Money back guaranteed. See you in INDY-2020.

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