Pope sends Doug Batchelor a Christmas card saying “all is forgiven”


ROSEVILE, Calif. — An unexpected Christmas card from Pope Francis was delivered to veteran Adventist evangelist Doug Batchelor today. After wishing Batchelor a Merry Christmas, the Pope added that “all is forgiven” and thanked Batchelor “for all the free publicity this year.”

General Conference analysts are pouring over the card to find clues as to why it was sent. Andrews University Interfaith Dialogue researcher, Tredd Soflee, pointed to Batchelor’s “incessant attacks on the Pope and the Vatican as the likely culprit.”

“Adventists understandably disagree with Catholic doctrine and are sincerely wary of the Vatican’s role in End Time Events but if we get obsessive about reading into everything the Pope does, we look downright combative,” said Soflee.

He said that, “Pastor Doug’s Facebook wall is overrun with scathing papal updates and rebukes that encourage a lunatic fringe in Adventism that thrives on Pope bashing. That’s not what we need or want.”

Soflee stressed that too much of a focus on papal activities is downright counterproductive: “When even the Pope thanks you for free publicity you start to wonder if you should tone it down a little and avoid becoming the boy that cried wolf.”

After some reflection Soflee admitted that his main take on “the card fiasco” could, itself, be a little off base. “Who knows? Maybe those two exchange Christmas cards every year…”



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      1. Elisha's Bears

        Unfortunately sensationalist evangelists like Doug have a history of being loose with the facts. They too might warm their feet and toast marshmallows by the fires of hell along with other liars!

        I’m still chuckling at his anti-women’s-ordination reason that the root of “seminary” is “semen” so seminary is for males. Who needs Barely Adventist to make fun of him. He does a good job of it himself!

  1. Christal

    The older the ‘church’ gets the more uncomely it is to have the appearance of being ‘ellenesque’. Oh, how things of changed from the good old days. Doug is the brave one. Crazy (meant in the most loving way) but brave

  2. Ray Kraft

    Ah, yes, the good ol’ “End Times . . .”

    I remember when John F. Kennedy, Catholic, was elected president, and Pastor John Enright, I think it was, at the Loma Linda University Church, solemnly prophesied that this was surely the beginning of the End Times, the Time of Trouble was about to be upon us, and Jesus would surely come during Kennedy’s first term.

    What happens to the Adventist church if Doug Batchelor, too, grows old, and dies, and the End Times still haven’t come?

  3. Doug Wells

    Ah …, sometimes satire hits the proverbial nail squarely on the head! If DB preached the New Testament gospel as much as his Pope and beasties… That would be truly “amazing” – to borrow one of his signature descriptive terms!

    1. Donald Dump

      Shh . . . don’t give him any ideas. He’s doing just fine as is. I’m planning to invite him to be my VP running mate if Vladimir Pukin’ doesn’t accept. Trump/Batchelor 2016!

  4. SDA News

    BREAKING NEWS: Pastor Doug Batchelor has been selected as one of the five finalists to be interviewed for the position of President of Andrews University, the position currently occupied by the renowned Danish theologian Dr. Niels-Erik Andreasen, who is retiring next year.

    Other finalists include Dr. Ben Carson (retired neurosurgeon, author, and U.S. Presidential candidate); Dr. Randy Roberts (senior pastor of the Loma Linda church); Dr. Dwight Nelson (senior pastor of the Pioneer Memorial Church on the Andrews campus); and Dr. Gordon Bietz (currently president of Southern Adventist University, who had already announced that he is retiring next year–conveniently coinciding with the opening at Andrews).

    Notably, Pastor Doug is the only finalist who does not hold a doctorate, and he is the only one who used to be a nude caveman. Further, he is the only one who is famous for turning back-flips, flying his own plane, being vehemently anti-ordination, and being independently wealthy. No wonder the Pope sent him such a nice Christmas card.

    1. Charlotte Webb

      Ben Carson is also independently wealthy, with a net worth of about $20 million and an ego to match. I don’t think he’ll win the Andrews Presidency, however, because he is not broadly educated in the humanities, and he has learning challenges.

      He is unable to communicate quickly, articulately, and meaningfully with constituents who are educated in the humanities; he is more or less an autodact in Biblical studies; and has a poor sense of himself in relation to others, separately or corporately.

      Generally speaking, as smart and able in narrow areas as many people who are challenged by Asperger’s Syndrome are, he does not have the skills necessary for that position. Neurosurgery does not require broad reading or broad and deft social skills or academic training beyond its immediate sphere of operation.

  5. Elisha's Bears

    Doug also got a letter from Jesus. He keeps getting it but we’re not sure if he reads it.

    “Love your enemies. Do good to them that hate you.”

    “By their fruits Ye shall know them.” There sure are a bunch of nuts on his trees!

  6. Elisha's Bares

    I’m waiting for Dougie to kick up a dangerous storm with Islam. When he starts in his attack dog , rabid scaremongering mode he’ll just incite exactly what he is scared of and trying to terrify/terrorise us with.

    His religion is troubling and troubled. If he didn’t have his naked caveman story he’d just be another grandiose personal salesman peddling offbeat but semi popular options.

    1. Ben Carsinogen

      So much for the Carson / Batchelor 2016 ticket. With less than six weeks left before voting begins in Iowa, Carson may join Jeb Bush and Carly Fiorina as early contenders whose support has evaporated. Likely Republican caucus-goers in the Hawkeye State now appear to prefer Cruz and Trump.

  7. Gary

    You all do realize this story is not true? This website seems to believe it is funny to lie–they love to lie. …all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death. Revelation 21:8

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