SILVER SPRING, Md. — The Pathfinder marching honor is officially a thing of the past.
After an exhaustive study by the General Conference-based Biblical Research Institute, GC leaders say that Pathfinder marching leads to dancing later in life.
“All these drill moves are simply steps in the inevitable march to gyrating in night clubs,” said BRI spokesperson Buzz Keel.
He said that he had seen some Pathfinder drill instructors “whip our youth into a frenzy of spinning ‘About Faces’, salutes and ‘Stand Easies’ that could give Beyonce a run for her money.”
Keel claimed that given a smoke machine and a drum track, some Pathfinder marching platoons would fit right in on a Las Vegas dance floor.
“Everyone knows that in many parts of the world, Adventist youth nights specifically use organized marching involving prolonged hand-holding and eye contact as a dance substitute to get kids to interact,” said Keel.
“I hear Prince got his dance moves at an Adventist church social.”