GC: Forgetting to pray before meals causes food poisoning

Forgot something?
Forgot something?

SILVER SPRING, Md. — In a special warning this afternoon, General Conference officials warned members that neglecting to pray before they eat leads directly to food poisoning.

In an email blast to all churches, GC Director of Unnecessary Graphics, Redun Dant attached an official graph charting pre-meal prayer consistency to vomiting or other involuntary bathroom behaviors.

Dant said that the line graph shows that omitting prayer from the start of a meal and dramatic food poisoning are directly correlated.

The meticulously detailed graph is illustrated by prominently placed photos of toilet stall doors adorned with the handwritten warning “Next time try praying.”

Other illustrations animating the chart are close-ups of Adventist throwing up violently along with the caption “Someone forgot to pray.”

Dant accompanied his graph with what he called a “GC Executive Order” mandating that it be included with any PowerPoint slide inviting church visitors to potluck.

The photos triggered an immediate backlash from members depicted as vomiting.

In individual complaints filed within an hour of the original email, the Adventists each claimed that their upset stomachs had nothing to do with their forgetting to say grace.

They all traced their food poisoning back to Sabbath lunch carob treats.

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  1. Hartmut W Sager

    I think it’s time to get outa here. Sevvy, your one-man show with more and more tasteless and distasteful humour makes me want to vomit.

    Many of the old posts years ago, and a very few newer ones, were excellent, but this is sickening, and some of it is outrightly sacrilegious.

    1. Shawn Spicey

      The ONLY funny part is the last sentence, where they all traced their food poisoning to the Carob treats.

      But why does this site insist on printing FAKE NEWS? Fake news, alternative facts, misrepresentations, fantasy, misinformation, fiction, fairy tales. It’s all a bunch of lies — and all for filthy lucre (web traffic and advertising revenue).

      Why not tell the truth? Here it is: This morning President Trump finally fired spokesman Sean Spicer after two embarrassing attacks by Melissa McCarthy on SNL. However, this was a moment of rejoicing for G.C. President Ted Wilson, who immediately called Spicer and offered him the position of G.C. Spokesman. “He is exactly what we need to put forth ‘alternative facts’ [lies] about ordination,” said Wilson. “Who else could be so skillful at explaining why we banned women’s ordination when the Bible clearly says it’s okay?” In other news: the CIA has discovered that Trump is a Russian KGB or FSB agent, and Wilson is a Jesuit. There’s a Communist and a Jesuit under every rock. (Not sure how they can fit under it, but I promise you: they ARE there.)

  2. Youse guys got it all mixed up this time. At our place of worship, we always pray before the meals, especially the pot lucks. That’s the problem. Too many pot lucks will eventually kill you. Your digestive system can no longer take this stuff. Myself, I go for the desserts first. All the sugar will offset the starchy condiment filled, soy whatever, gluten free, cage free, range free, peanut free, etc. Give me Little Debbies anytime. FYI-what the GC needs to do is require a prayer after the meal is finished. That’s a real blessing!! What I want to hear is a LOUD AMEN!!

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