Columbia, Md. — The North American Division has banned anyone from entering its headquarters wearing a beard. The official update to the building dress code was announced today.
The rationale for the beard ban was explained in a press release that referenced a recent round of meetings somewhere in the Midwest in which “disastrous decision-making was directly linked to bushy beards and weird 19th-century outfits.”
The NAD press release quoted independent researchers that said the beards and period attire had “somehow caused the vast majority of delegates at the meetings to think and behave and vote as though they had been transported back in time more than a century.”
Anyone attempting to enter the NAD headquarters sporting whiskers will be handed a razor and reminded that they can’t possibly face the future if they are living in the past.