LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Seventh-day Adventist vegetarians on last-minute runs for 4th of July BBQ supplies have emptied local supermarkets of their veggie burger stocks. Supermarkets all over town turned away irate customers this morning and fast-thinking store managers scrambled to find a substitute for their depleted stocks of meat substitutes.
“We know better than to try to sell hardcore Adventist vegetarians actual meat burgers,” said a local grocery store manager who wished to remain anonymous. “But we’ve noticed that attractively packaged cardboard sells just as well. We haven’t had a single Adventist call to complain.”
Local nutritionist Blieu Zhona said that the most probable reason for the lack of complaints is that “there really isn’t a huge taste difference between your mass-produced veggie burger and a cardboard box.”
Zhona said she was not going to report any of the stores selling cardboard patties as “they have more nutritional value than the veggie burgers that this town loves so much. Cardboard certainly contains less sodium.”