Loma Linda supermarkets sell out of veggie burgers, start selling cardboard


LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Seventh-day Adventist vegetarians on last-minute runs for 4th of July BBQ supplies have emptied local supermarkets of their veggie burger stocks. Supermarkets all over town turned away irate customers this morning and fast-thinking store managers scrambled to find a substitute for their depleted stocks of meat substitutes.

“We know better than to try to sell hardcore Adventist vegetarians actual meat burgers,” said a local grocery store manager who wished to remain anonymous. “But we’ve noticed that attractively packaged cardboard sells just as well. We haven’t had a single Adventist call to complain.”

Local nutritionist Blieu Zhona said that the most probable reason for the lack of complaints is that “there really isn’t a huge taste difference between your mass-produced veggie burger and a cardboard box.”

Zhona said she was not going to report any of the stores selling cardboard patties as “they have more nutritional value than the veggie burgers that this town loves so much. Cardboard certainly contains less sodium.”

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  1. Jack Frost

    A recent study compared the health of rats who eat sugary breakfast cereal, to rats who eat the cardboard boxes in which the cereal is packed. The rats eating the cardboard were much healthier. It is a lesson for us all. These stores are on the right track. . . .

  2. Dr. Ned Nealy

    Now we know the real reason Loma Linda Adventists live 7 years longer: it is not because of the fresh vegetables and fruits, or the Veja-Links and gluten burgers, it’s because of the powdered cardboard with which those products have been spiked for years. But why settle for 7 years? Come to Weimar Institute for a 100% cardboard diet guaranteed to pack on an extra 10 years!

  3. Corrie Ten Glu

    Does it seem ironic that our church has unofficially pushed gluten “meat substitutes” all these years, and now the current health craze is a gluten-free diet? Well, there’s a method to the madness. Consumer Reports stated last month that only about 7% of the population is negatively affected by gluten, and it’s actually healthful for the other 93%. For example, it helps to lower the blood pressure. WebMD also warned: “Many people may perceive that a gluten-free diet is healthier. In fact, it isn’t. For people with gluten sensitivity or celiac disease, a gluten-free diet is essential. But for others, unless people are very careful, a gluten-free diet can lack vitamins, minerals, and fiber,” and gluten-free products often have higher levels of sugar and salt.

  4. Big Frank

    I, for one, actually enjoy the taste of Worthington, Loma Linda, and Morning Star Farms, meat analogues. They are high in fat and sodium, but they are yummy in my tummy. My favorite is deep-fried Loma Linda Redi-Burger. I could eat a whole can of it right now. It’s full of flavor, and it’s an awesome flavor. That stuff rocks!

  5. Jorge Washington

    Happy Fourth of July, friends! I just listened to Whitney Houston’s incredible 1991 Superbowl performance of our national anthem. It brought tears to my eyes. I shudder at the thought that either Hellary or Tramp will be president. I fear for this great nation if either one of them is elected. I would roll in my grave if either of them gets their crooked hands on the nuclear button. Even Burny Sanders or Mitten Romney would be better than either of them. Please pray for our nation. In spite of all the crooked politicians, may it remain the land of the free and the home of the brave. God bless America.

  6. Howard Hues

    A Veja-Link and a Big Frank walk into a bar.

    The bartender serves the Big Frank but ignores his friend.

    The Veja-Link says, “What about me?”

    “Sorry, we don’t serve minors,” explains the bartender.

  7. Pat Henry

    Give me liberty or give me death. The price of freedom is eternal vigilance. “I firmly believe that any man’s finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle–victorious.” – Vince Lombardi

  8. richard mills

    Don’t you know it’s not healthy to eat the cardboard? Think of all the chemicals that went into the processing. All the trees in the forest cut down. Years of growing to reestablish the tree. What about the inks on the graphics? I only eat stuff made out of vegetables or vegetable based chemicals. Yummy Yummy–good for your tummy. Don’t forget the Little Debbies. The entire Little Debbie contents are edible. Can’t get any better than that!! Woe iz me!!

  9. Laurence

    What a joy it is not having to listen to sermons that declare that ones salvation requires being a vegetarian. Somehow I think it’s linked to the fact that the church no longer manufactures vegetarian food. And now vegetarianism has become wildly popular amongst “worldly” people.

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