Patriotic Adventists across America celebrate 4th of July with Mexican haystacks


U.S.A.—Seventh-day Adventists across the United States are celebrating Independence Day by digging into lavishly heaped haystacks (self-served Mexican taco salad.)

As hearts swell with pride for country and the unique freedom of religion it affords, Adventists interviewed all over America saw no better way to celebrate that freedom by saying grace and then going crazy on chips doused with salsa, guacamole, jalapeños and any number of other food items from south of the border.

“Sure, we grill veggie burgers at our 4th of July BBQ parties, and only the vegans among us turn down some homemade ice cream, but I wouldn’t be Adventist if I didnt salivate at the mention of layer upon layer of crunchy, cheesy, beanie goodness,” said fourth generation Seventh-day Adventist, Aima White.

“Telling me that we won’t be having haystacks on the Fourth is like saying we won’t be having fireworks,” said White.  “It would be the greatest of disappointments.”

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  1. Hey, what happened to (vegetarian) hot dogs and apple pie? A Fourth of July picnic without them would be a “great disappointment.” Please inform Aima White that, even if she’s a descendant of Mrs. White, haystacks may be better for Cinco de Mayo. When in doubt, just think: WWGWD? (“What Would George Washington Do?”).

  2. Daniel Cortez

    I’m an SDA but I believe in socializing with my neighbors, who are not Christians. I think Jesus set an example of reaching out to people and not just being a recluse in an Adventist ghetto. My neighbor’s menu this evening will be beer and roasted whole pig. I plan to bring my own bottle [of Martinelli’s sparkling cider], but I will eat supper before I go to the party so I can honestly say I’m not hungry when he serves the roasted pig. I’ll try to share God’s love with them for about half an hour, then go back home and “pig out” on some Wham.

  3. Amber Sage

    “I wouldn’t be Adventist if I didn’t salivate at the mention of layer upon layer of crunchy, cheesy, beanie goodness.” You mean I really, really have to like it, to be an Adventist? If so, I’ll become a JW. They allow people to enjoy chocolate chip cookies.

    1. Will Tedson

      In fact, it is Fundamental Belief # 29. But there’s an “escape clause” that allows you to eat plate-fulls of Little Debbie’s snack cakes, instead — and you even get to choose the flavor. That’s way better than chocolate chip cookies any day.

  4. Purist

    Things are getting way too lax when the recipe is described as “chips doused with salsa, guacamole, jalapeños and any number of other food items from south of the border.” True SDAs know that only one kind of chip will do: Frito-Lay Corn Chips. Anything else is an imposter – a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Beware of false chips that will arise in the latter days.

    1. Sum Ting Wong

      This recipe doesn’t even mention beans. Haystacks without beans are NOT Adventist; they are Mormon Hawaiian haystacks. Sevvy must be a covert Joseph Smith adherent. Next thing you know, he’ll be pushing pretzel jello salad, funeral potatoes, and frogeye salad. Take a stand for real Adventist food, sir.

      1. Purist

        While you’re at it, please note: there is only one true bean. It is the Mexican Pinto Bean. Other beans, such as vegetarian baked beans, great northern beans, or boiled peanuts, are not kosher. They are heresy! We must use the “remnant bean” — the one true Pinto Bean!

  5. Jorge Washington

    Happy Fourth of July! I shudder at the thought that either Hellary or Tramp will be president. I fear for this great nation if either one of them is elected. I would roll in my grave if either of them puts their crooked hands on the nuclear button. Even Burny Sanders or Mitten Romney would be better than either of them. Please pray for our nation. In spite of crooked politicians, may it remain the home of the brave, and the land of the free. God bless America.

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