La Sierra’s graduate school offers last-ditch marriage hope to aging Adventist singles

La Sierra's grad programs keep Adventist romance alive after college...
La Sierra’s grad programs keep Adventist romance alive after college…

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — An annual General Conference report has found that, despite the best efforts of Adventist undergraduate schools around the world, “an alarming percentage of Adventist college students now graduate without so much as a penciled-in wedding date on the horizon.”

While the report has sent church leaders scrambling for solutions to what many consider a threat to the very foundations of Adventist higher education, La Sierra University spokesperson Ventist Tindher pointed to La Sierra’s graduate school as a beacon of hope to single Adventists who are still on the prowl after college.

“Our hearts go out to you if those undergrad banquets were rough or if you were stood up for a vespers date,” said Tindher. “Our La Sierra graduate programs give you a second chance at finding your Adventist soul mate. Plus, we now offer 25% off grad school tuition.”

Tindher said that he and his La Sierra colleagues work tirelessly at the grad school because they “firmly believe that no Adventist should be made to feel desperate enough to put themselves on or, worse yet, enroll in Loma Linda’s Dental Hygiene program just to get a date after college.”



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  1. Ray Kraft

    Guess I better retire and go back to grad school at La Sierra. Hey, 25% off grad school tuition, almost an offer I can’t refuse! And I’ll have a big advantage over those 20 year old guys with no jobs and no money, I’ll have my Social Security check!

  2. Hilarious Clinton

    I’m making a special offer to these single graduates: come and intern in the White House in 2017. You’ll meet lots of prospective marriage partners. Don’t worry, I’ll keep Bill locked up so he won’t repeat what he did with the other intern. Plus, no one knows for sure if he really had relations with her; it all depends on what the meaning of “is” is.

    1. Jim E. Carter

      Ha ha, Hillary. You won’t have any White House interns. Here’s what is really going to happen: Donald Trump will win the Republican nomination. Marco Rubio will be his VP running mate, and they will win the general election. They will appoint Dr. Ben Carson as Surgeon General, and lawyer Ted Cruz will be U.S. Attorney General. As a consolation prize, your good friend (and closet Democrat) Donald will appoint you as Secretary of State again. And Bill, well … Bill will just keep being Bill “I Did Not Inhale” Clinton!

      1. Ben Car-sin

        True, Ben will be Surgeon General. And Candy Carson will be appointed national Singer Laureate in honor of her impressive performance of the National Anthem at the Iowa campaign event!

  3. Hugh Heifer

    “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is What does a woman want?'” (Sigmund Freud)

    Poor Freud. It’s no mystery, buddy. Every guy as La Sierra knows: Women want a guy who is tall (but not too tall), handsome (but not as attractive as her), romantic (but not clingy), classy (but not snobbish), suave (but not glib), sensitive (but not emotional), caring (but not wimpy), courteous (but not a pushover), strong (but not stoic or pushy), ambitious (but not too busy at the office), rich (but not greedy), verbal in expressing love (but not enough to make her tired of you), and intelligent (but willing to believe that she is the one who is always right).

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