“Affluenza” teen avoids jail by enrolling at Montemorelos, Adventist University in Mexico

Strict living at Montemorelos could make a world of difference for the "affluenza " teen
Strict living at Montemorelos could make a world of difference for the “affluenza ” teen

MONTEMORELOS, Mexico — Following his capture in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico, after fleeing the US during an investigation into alleged parole violation, “Affluenza Teen” Ethan Couch has been ordered to enroll at an Adventist university in Norteastern Mexico.

Couch originally avoided jail time for a fatal drunk-driving incident by arguing he was the victim of his own privileged upbringing. He will be required to complete a four-year degree at the University of Montemorelos to avoid incarceration for his international escapade.

“We are hoping that going to college in a foreign country will broaden Ethan’s horizons,” said US juvenile corrections spokesperson Manny Intercambio. “American privilege carries a lot less weight abroad so if Ethan truly does suffer from “affluenza,” Montemorelos may be just the kick in the rear he needs.”

Intercambio said that the school’s zero tolerance policy on alcohol comsumption was one of the reasons Montemorelos was selected as a place for Couch to serve his time. “Also, Montemorelos feels a lot like prison,” he said.



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  1. The US juvenile corrections spokesperson has a pretty good name: “Manny Intercambio.” It’s true that there are “many exchange” students at Montemorelos. The only thing my friends didn’t like there was the freezing cold showers, and the fact that women sat on one side of the church, and men sat on the other side.

    1. Wesley Calvin

      Separating the men and the women in church: must be because the “no holding hands” rule at other schools just doesn’t work. The only sure-fire way to prevent this mortal sin is to segregate the sexes to prevent arousing the animal passions.

  2. Flo Ensa

    Back in the 60’s I bumped into a SDA youth who had a severe case of Affluenza. He had a brand new, flashy, red car and came into my melon patch, kicking open melons which was my cash crop to pay for next year tuition. He said he had the right, because his pops had a lot of money, as well as being head elder of a neighboring church. Who could argue with that?

  3. Sum Ting Wong

    This poor errant affluenza youth needs a dose of the Force. My friend and colleague, Dr. Wi Tu Lo, discovered that the Force is with me, and I have invented a radical new psycho-barometric / psycho-kinetic device that allows me to control the stock market. On any given day, I unleash my device and watch in glee as the prices of stocks, options, and futures do whatever my device and I wish. It is exciting to know that I am in control of thousands of investors and traders. This is the miracle of psycho-kinetics and magnetic psycho-energetics in conjunction with the universal uber-force electron matrix discovered by Einstein’s janitor, around the same time when Columbus invented America.

    You may wonder why I haven’t used the Force through my device to make myself a millionaire. The answer is simple: I am too poor to invest. If you will just send me your life savings, I will use my device to double your money. I will then split the profits with you. Since the Force and my psycho-kinetic device cannot fail, there is no possible concern about the investment going sour. You can wire the funds to my e-mail account at SuckersAlwaysLose@email.com . May the Force be with you, and may you have a forceful (and hopefully sane) New Year.

  4. Richard Mills

    Couch needs to enroll in one of them military/police schools sponsored by Mexico. There he will learn how to deal with his problem. One of the courses is to spend time in a Tijuana jail in order to understand the Mexican penal system. Good for building morale, stamina, etc. Good Luck, Couch. See ya in a few years. Woe iz me!!

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