ADVENTIST WORLD — Adventist tithe envelopes are being reprinted to include a line for indulgences.
A General Conference statement explaining the new “giving opportunity” said that it had been added to ensure that Adventism “more fully resembles the medieval Catholic church.”
GC Director of Power Hoarding Gimmee Gimmee said that although a lot of progress had been made as far as centralization of power was concerned, the GC “still has a long way to go before it can attain the lows of the Vatican in the good old days.”
Gimmee said that faithful payment of indulgences would absolve members of the most Adventist of sins such as forgetting to renew your subscription to the Adventist Review or being chronically to Sabbath School.
The new Adventist indulgences are the only tithe envelope line item that comes with a physical reward.
Anyone that faithfully pays their indulgences for 13 Sabbaths in a row will be given a pin bearing the Adventist logo. This will confer special privileges such as preferred church parking and a “Get Out of Jail Free” card that allows the owner to skip up to seven committee meetings per quarter.