SILVER SPRING, Md. — Seventh-day Adventist baptismal vows have been updated to reflect what church leaders are calling “undeniable cultural realities.” In addition to the usual list of mostly doctrinal statements to which baptismal candidates must agree, a final clause will confirm their “allegiance to haystacks.”
The added clause reads “I, (name), without reservation, recognize haystacks as the best culinary creation since Eden and promise to uphold strict vegetarian standards in its preparation for as long as I shall live.”
Speaking about the added clause, church spokesperson Barric Ada admitted that allegiance to haystacks was perhaps not a matter of salvation, but was quick to stress the issue could still be one of life and death.
“Without haystacks I have no idea how any of us could face another day.”
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Why not an oath to Little Debbies and carob, too?
ILL TAKE THIS VOW INSTEAD OF PLEDGING ALLEGIANCE TO ELLEN
I don’t see how I could face another day without Fri-Chik. It’s finger-licking good.
Who is this church spokesperson “Barric Ada”? He sounds like a Barracuda to me!
The actual oath is: “I pledge allegiance to the recipe of the united Haystacks of the church, and to the tradition for which it stands, one potluck under God, indivisible, with corn-chips and lettuce for all.”
Since I was baptized before this, do I need to do it again? I also call them Hungarian Tacos — Will I go to hell for that?
No, but you will wish you had.
Charles-it is called rebaptism . You better do it or something bad might happen to you from your local church board. If you want rebaptism, call me and I will dunk you again. No charge. In this warm weather, I prefer the Atlantic Ocean. Let’s make haystacks a Pathfinder Honor. As long as you use the correct ingredients, anything goes. I favor this motion to include the Haystack clause into the baptismal code. Woe iz me.
Hey, far out, dude! Like dis haystacks oath thingy be way cool, way hot, way sick! Dat Sevvy dude done outdone hisself. I be sayin’ like, ya know, like supa chill, like way out! Now I betta get back on my meds. . . . Hey, why’s dat dude in da white coat always followin’ me around? What’s dat straight-jacket thingy he got there? Yikes! He got me. He grabbin’ me wit dat straight-jacket thingy! Dat global worming done gone to my head! Richard Mills, dude, ya gotta help me, bro. Get out’a dat padded cell for a minute and help. Plz, bruh, or “woe iz you.” I want my mommy. Scream! Dat dude in da white coat be chasin’ me wit a needle. Waaaaaaaaaah. He got me! Da room be spinnin’. I’m feeling sleepy. . . . Zzzzz . . . .
This report is bearing false witness. It was not a Haystacks Oath, it was a Postum Pledge and a Martinelli’s Oath. Blessed are the honest, for they shall tell the truth.
BLESSED ARE THE WEALTHY