Underwater — Representatives of the global tuna population are begging humans to try out Loma Linda Tuno, the new fish-free protein released by the veggie brand. The life-long swimmers vowed that their infatuation with the new protein source was 100% flavor-based and entire selfless. The fishy PR professionals swore on their fathers’ fins that Tuno was completely mercury-free. Appealing especially to the Loma Linda brand’s Adventist fan base, the underwater diplomats lined up seven Loma Linda centenarians willing to testify that after tasting Tuno they could not conceive of having anything else in their Vegenaise sandwiches. The spokestuna denied claims that they were promoting Tuno just because they themselves didn’t want to be eaten.