WASHINGTON, D.C. — Foolproof voting tech guaranteed to prevent any kind of foul play or delay in results has been identified to rescue the US general election from voter fraud.
The General Conference has licensed its electronic voting tech to the government to allow for socially-distanced, electronic voting which the church vows “hasn’t acted up or even been used since its soft launch in 2015.”
To be absolutely sure the technology works, every Adventist congregation will be providing training in their communities to clarify what the different buttons mean. There may even be some trial runs for down-ballot candidates if time permits.
Voters have been strictly warned not to just vote according to what regional leaders require. Everyone’s been reassured their performance evals will not reflect how they voted, even if their conscience dictates a non-majority view.
To prevent the spread of any viruses, plans to hold the vote in large stadiums across the country have been scrapped, especially as the GC admits there’s a “miniscule chance stadium WiFi may mess with the gadgets.”
Just to be safe, a bunch of yellow cards are being printed up.
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