LOMA LINDA, Calif. — Adventists around the world have been called to abandon the “unclean veggie meat” in Big Franks now that a healthier, less processed Loma Linda veggie hot dog has arrived on the scene.
“Big Franks may as well come straight from swine now that Simple Franks are here,” said GC Director of Processed Alternatives, Sam Tanarian.
“Simple Franks have way less sodium than the veritable salt mine that is your standard Big Frank,” said Tanarian. “They are not colored artificially and have way less badness in them period.”
Pointing to the cool blue of the Simple Franks can label, Tanarian told Adventists that if they wished to fulfill their blue zone potential, live past a hundred and “make sure we keep getting featured in National Geographic,” it was time to restock their pantries until they resembled a “sea of blue.”